BFF

After 20 years of being happily (officially) married and a total of 27 years being together with my wife Karen, I hereby attest that the secret is not in romantic movies, roses and chocolates, not even a diamond ring the size of a rock. Those things had no effect on my wife except to put her on a chocolate binge. In fact I realize now that God really engineered things so that I would be with someone completely my opposite. 

I boldly confess that I grew up as a sucker for romance like many Filipinos, and even this late in the game I still find it hard to shake off “habits” and notions as to what constitutes love, marriage and anniversaries. If you’re right around my age and if you were nurtured with romantic notions, you probably watched the movies “Love Story,” “Kung Mangarap ka at Magising,” “Sunshine,” “Sleepless in Seattle,” “Notting Hill” and the most recent Pinoy heart-breaking, rib-tickling flick “Starting Over Again.” Yes I watched them all and then some.

Chances are you tear up or palpitate when you hear the theme song from “Ghost” or Side A’s “Forevermore” or “Set You Free,” Air Supply’s “Here I Am” or Barry Manilow’s “Even Now.” Some movies trigger a gulp, a dryness of the throat, while passing or driving by a familiar place rekindles a long forgotten feeling similar to a ghost walking past you and causing a  faint, almost imperceptible stab at the chest.

Had I saved all the money I spent on flowers, chocolates, bags and dresses that I gave as “offerings” to the imagined goddesses in my past life or as Willie Nelson put it “To all the girls I’ve loved before,” chances are I would have had enough money to buy the farm! If it were possible to bottle all the emotional energy I poured into my misguided notions of what love was and the many “true loves” I had, I probably would have enough energy to power a nuclear plant. Unfortunately, all that wasted passion, emotion and resource was the collective influence of romantic movies, love songs and the human need to be loved and belong. In other words I gave meaning to the words: He wears his heart on his sleeve.

To remedy the situation God brought someone rational, deliberate, cautious and kind into my life in order to temper my passionate, risk-taking, emotional and compassionate but less than kind personality. Yes I seriously believe that in many cases God puts our complete opposite into the mix not to throw us off balance but to complete us. By bringing Karen into my life, he brought someone who actually had a checkbook and expected it to be balanced. After years of living and spending money with a “Bahala Na” mentality, Karen brought sobriety and restraint to my materialism. Because we came from two different cultures, it was not a “falling in love” but “learning to love” everything, even the differences.

Ultimately we both acknowledge that the glue in our life and marriage has nothing to do with theme songs, hot dates, or counting anniversaries (I don’t think we even have a theme song). What binds us together is that we are BFF or Best Friends Forever with God. I remember my maternal Lolo Enrique telling me on his death bed that the only gift or blessing he could give me was a word of advise: “If you choose someone to marry, choose someone who if she were a man would be your best friend.” Lolo obviously knew my romantic disasters and I certainly took his advise to heart. Today as we celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary (yes we had lots of practice before that) I can say that Karen is my BFF.

We have been Best Friends since 1987 and as Best Friends we have lived with a policy of full disclosure and honesty. There is no point in withholding certain concerns from your BFF because if things go downhill or shit hits the fan, everybody in the room will have to deal with it. Yes there were times I hesitated to share thoughts or certain plans fearing she might not appreciate, understand, or support the idea, but after more than two decades I have learned that when you share the problems, you also share in the solution. When you share your fears, you also share the strength.

Most Men-boys don’t like to share their plans for toys or adventures with their spouse, but chances are if they do, there maybe delays, improvements or changes, but in the end everybody gets to play on the sand box.

In the movie they said “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” That’s horse shit! Love means saying sorry and meaning it. I am a strong believer in the biblical proverb that says never let the sun set on your anger. Meaning don’t delay saying sorry or resolving a disagreement or a fight. We are now on the higher level where every time my wife can sense me losing my temper she reminds me: Don’t get mad because you’ll have to say sorry later!

Love means giving up something readily even before it becomes necessary. When I found myself out of a job, the very first thing I did was to sell one of my favorite cars and gave the entire check to my wife. When she asked why? I told her her peace of mind is my first priority. Considering my wife left her country and family to live and love the Philippines, nothing is too big for the Empress Karen.

Above all love means Respect. Never take it for granted, never be dismissive, prioritize, honor, and everyday pray together because as tired and cliché as it may sound I know for a fact that “The family that prays together (does) stays together.”

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