‘You’ll date when you’re 30’

My church mate was visibly concerned but he waited for our small group meeting to end before calling my attention and asking me a question that almost all fathers want to avoid or live in denial of: “If someone, (a boy, obviously) from another school invited your daughter to be his partner at their high school prom,” would you allow her?

I should have replied: “Don’t pass the buck! It’s your daughter not mine!”

Unfortunately when one reaches a level of seniority and some notion of respect, it becomes incumbent upon us to dig deep and provide an answer that is both full of wisdom and comfort. Sooner or later all fathers who have a beloved daughter or daughters will pass the rite of passage, that Filipinos often refer to as “Men paying for their sins.”

Frankly I find that phrase or commentary quite stupid if not unfair, because human nature and evolution dictate that young men will chase girls and seek out a mate just as it is in the nature of fathers to protect their families, chase away young men at the door or shoot trespassers who may want to include our daughters into their tribe.

Unfortunately we no longer practice rituals of elimination where they can be gladiators until there is only the “last man standing.” It would also amuse me no end to watch some city slicker do the “paninilbihan” where young men follow the example of Jacob in the book of Genesis who served 7 years plus 7 in order to marry his true love Rachel. Pity the poor fellow who has to take care of 50 pigs on the loose, feed chickens, dogs, wash cars and climb coconut trees while enduring the Evil Eye of Beltran!

While I had nothing but sympathy for my friend, I also had to offer him my cold and impersonal advice: Do you even have to think about it? If the fella does not go to the same school, does not attend the same church and does not appreciate the same value system, Kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan?

My reply will undoubtedly trigger varied responses, but if we don’t share the same views, we don’t shame the same views. Children and family are extensions of our being, the ones we love the most and God willing should be a reflection of what we believe and value the most.

When my daughter asked me the hypothetical question if I would allow her to go on a date, I answered in the affirmative. “Yes, of course. I will allow you to go on dates... when you’re 30.” I will also allow you to get married to a man who deeply loves God first, and you second.

But before you marry I will require two things: A) that you both sign a pre-nuptial agreement that what you own before the wedding stays yours and what is his is yours. What I leave behind can only be transferable to my future “Christian” grandchildren; B) Just like your mother, you will retain your maiden name, because I don’t see any logic why a woman’s name and heritage should be obliterated by some ill-conceived practice imposed by men! If I don’t have sons to carry on the family name, my daughter should at least be left with the honor of having her own name and her own identity.

Yes my daughter is only 12, but if you have any pre-teen and teenagers in the house, I’m certain that most, if not all of you are already having bouts of sleepless nights about their insensitive questions on dating, proms and marriage. It’s so bad that some friends on Facebook want to have Junior & Senior Proms outlawed or declared illegal in the Philippines, while a few are saving up for a rapid reload shotgun and scatter shell ammunition.

Whatever you do, do something. It would be a big mistake to think that problems or questions will solve themselves. As best we can, my friends and I have always tried our best to step on the brakes of whatever it is we’re doing, turn to our children, listen and talk about whatever it is that’s on their mind. PROCESS the data, the concern, the issue. Don’t ever, ever dismiss it, ignore it or defer it. That is your child in front of you not some possession you can pick up or place down whenever it pleases you.

When my daughter and I talked about proms, I shared its history, she talked about how the pre-teens wanted it and we talked about the good and the bad aspects of proms. It should never be as simple as “I want to go” or “you shouldn’t go.” Discussing it does not mean you’re being O-C or obsessive, you are teaching and learning. Don’t let others put a burden of guilt on you. 

As for Proms, I have seen more than enough movies and TV shows revolving around junior-senior proms, and the unending repeats of scenes where they drink themselves unconscious and the subsequent focus on juniors and seniors doing their best to get laid as their rite of passage to “college” or freedom. Having lived abroad I have seen how real it is.

You have to wonder why we in the Philippines persist in promoting and practicing a largely American practice that costs a lot of money, causes sleepless nights for parents before and during the prom, often adds to the statistical data on birthrates in 9 months or less, all because it’s customary or part of tradition.

Obviously, I am not a big fan of prom nights especially since it’s one of those events that highlights the social inequality or economic status of students. It’s an event that drives a knife through the heart of young people who don’t get asked to be someone’s date or have to hide as the jester or a tom boy to cover their looks and imperfections.

Clearly I have strong feelings about this borrowed tradition from rich plantation landlords of the west that celebrated the coming of age of their sons and daughters with formal dances and elegant clothing while slaves served or watched in the distance or the dark. Why tell the world that your baby is officially a lady? I’ll wait until she’s 30!