Symptomanic

Are you gay?  Wait, don’t answer the question.  The Malaysian Education Ministry already has it down pat.  All you need to do is check the “symptoms” that they’ve identified below, and in just a few seconds, you can diagnose yourself as gay! (or lesbian, for that matter.)

For everyone’s convenience, here are the Ministry’s helpful tips to discover your true sexuality.  For gayhood, check the following symptoms:

1. Have a muscular body and like to show their (sic) body by wearing V-necks and sleeveless clothes;

2. Prefer tight and light-coloured clothes;

3. Attracted to men (really?!)  and

4. Like to bring big handbags, similar to those used by women, when hanging out.

As I have a skinny body and I don’t own a handbag, I guess that should satisfy the Malaysian government if they ever wonder which way I swing.  So as not to confuse them, I won’t carry a purse or a clutchbag.  And to convince them, I promise I will wear only black, loose clothing.  That will tip me over the edge unto the realm of straight-dom.

And for those of you guys who’ve been wondering whether that chick beside you is a dyke, because she doesn’t seem to be interested despite your sweetest smile, here are the government-approved guidelines for you:  She’s a lesbian if she’s

1. Attracted to women;

2. Besides their female companions, they will distance themselves from other women;

3. Like to hang out, have meals and sleep in the company of women; and

4.  Have no affection for men.

You know, these guidelines are so unfair.  Gay men get to be so easy to spot, with their nice bods, swinging handbags, and floral skinny jeans, but lesbians have no such easy indicators.  The lesbian guidelines, on the other hand, require close observation for long stretches of time.  I mean, how will we ever know if she likes to sleep in the company of women until we know where she sleeps and can see who’s beside her?

Aren’t there more judgmental clues?  What about all the cliches we’ve come to associate with lesbians?  The short haircuts, boots with 2 inch heels to give them height, and chest binders to hide their voluptuousness? These guidelines must have been written by a man unfamiliar with lipstick lesbos and such.

And if you think the guidelines are hilarious, wait until you find out why these were even formulated.  These guidelines were crafted by Yayasan Guru Malaysia Bhd and the Putrajaya Consultative Council of Parents and Teachers, the news reports go, “to “help” parents identify gay and lesbian “symptoms” in their children so they can take early corrective measurements...The guidelines warn: ‘Once the children have these symptoms, immediate attention should be given.’”

Er, so a concerned parent should check out who their daughters have been sleeping with to see if she’s a lesbian?  I wonder what age they should put their girls to the test?  And what kind of attention should be given to the symptomatic child?  Immediate treatment to make her feel more affection for boys?

Wait.  I forget.  The American Psychiatric Association dropped homosexuality from its list of mental disorders as early as 1973.  Fast forward to 2012, and here we are isolating “symptoms” so we can have these symptoms “treated”.  So not like a disease.

My diagnoses on these guidelines?  Use- and clueless.