Memorandum Circular No. 8.
Dear city officials: you are fat. Despite our best efforts to keep you on a strict diet of public scrutiny and press freedom, you seem to have thwarted all our efforts, and have done nothing but chew fat and grow fat. And this, despite the heavy load we know you are carrying! Imagine, we know you are always thinking about the city’s problems, and how to exacerbate them (‘exacerbate’ means solve, right?), and yet look what happened: pounds and mounds of fat.
Hence, this memorandum. Henceforth, all agencies of government have to adopt a physical fitness program. We will call it the “Great Filipino Workout.” The objective is not to work out a system where more taxpayers’ money can be funnelled into your pockets. Instead, so that we can develop a “healthy and alert workforce” (and we don’t mean alert for more money-making opportunities!), all you agencies should ensure that those occupying government chairs get off their butts and perspire.
We know all that work of staring blankly at walls and chatting with friends online using government computers is so stressful. Thus, so that we can reduce the risk of heart disease and to complement your quality of life (never mind how you achieved it), a reasonable amount of government-paid time must be allowed for exercise. You should attend seminars and training programs on how to keep healthy!
We also have some tips about the exercises you can implement during working hours. After all, since this memo allows you to waste government time and the salary you are being paid by exercising, you can use this time wisely by perhaps, shuffling paper from your desk to the next desk. It would also be good to lift pens once in a while and apply it to paper so your signature can finally be affixed on important documents that have been mouldering on your desk for a week now. And if that’s not too stressful, it would definitely do your body good if you lift up the phone once in a while – does wonders for the biceps!
As it seems there have been mistakes in implementing the intent of this memorandum, perhaps we should lay out a few guidelines.
First, it doesn’t mean you can use public funds to buy gym memberships. Public funds are meant to serve the public. You are not the public. Using very simple logic, public funds aren’t meant to serve you and that out-of-shape body. Another way of looking at this is, you city officials are meant to serve the public. Therefore, what you should probably do is buy gym memberships for your constituents. Now that’s the kind of service that will be much appreciated.
Second, be on the alert for unscrupulous businesses that will try to take advantage of your poor math skills. If the gym membership is only P12,500, you should not charge the government P18,000 for it. There is a P5,500 difference that will pad somebody’s pocket, and it certainly won’t be mine. Most probably, it is a fee that will land in the broker’s hands, and why share this kickback with others, right? So, it is undoubtedly better if you just hold on to that money, and surreptitiously return it to the city treasurer. This way, you’ll know that if the money is unaccounted for later, the treasurer kept it. Sneaky devil.
Also, be on the alert for group discounts. If they gym has “refer a friend” incentives, or group enrolment specials, then make sure you avail of it. After all if all of you guys are unfit, might as well resign en masse, I mean, enrol en masse, right? That might mean saving some more funds on the otherwise illegal expenditure.
Third, being fit doesn’t mean getting a massage and a mani-pedi. Sure, we want to see glowing skin and buffed nails on our city officials, but if we had to spend government money to see beauty, we would have hired underwear models. So don’t spend taxpayer’s money on body rubs and nail polish. All that sleekness just makes us want to barf.
We trust this memo is clear. If you have queries, the resident Ombudsman can answer any queries you might have. This is a very convenient information service: you can ask her while in jail, or outside. Now that’s service!