The tale of Yikes and Eeky

Once upon a time in the idyllic land of Y-los, there lived two brothers Yikes and Eeky. They were born with the proverbial silver spoons in their mouth, bred from an impeccable lineage of land barons and a claimed smattering of beatified ancestors. In their youth, the brothers led the privileged life of wild, swashbuckling swains, collecting pedigreed racehorses, fighting cocks and dowry-ed damsels not necessarily in that order. 

Of the two, Yikes was the dominant one. Tall, strapping and wise to the ways of the world, the younger Eeky idolized and followed him around like a puppy that constantly needed a pat on the head from the Master. Whatever Yikes did, Eeky would do too. When Yikes threw money away like it was going out of style, Eeky would emulate him. When Yikes fooled around and sowed his wild oats, Eeky would do the same. Eeky thought the world of his older sibling, and Yikes knew exactly how he could use this to his advantage.

Yikes doesn’t like to work hard. In fact he doesn’t like to work at all. It was too plebeian to earn by the sweat of the brow. So he knew that he must be resourceful so that he would never need to roll up his sleeves and do an honest day’s job. He was used to the luxurious and extravagant life, but chose to wheel and deal for his indulgences over honest labor.

He courted many bejeweled women in his prime, conquering then discarding them as better prospects cropped up. On the side he used his smarts and connections for get-rich-quick-schemes that allowed him to maintain his pampered lifestyle. Every now and then he would throw some crumbs to Eeky who remained ever loyal, grateful, mediocre and malleable.

When the patriarch of their clan passed away, they were shocked to discover that the wealth they thought was infinite had been wasted in profligate pursuits. The dreaded reversal of fortune was upon them.

While Eeky tried his hand at an actual job, he maintained the posture of an heir apparent, too dense to realize that everyone knew that they were practically penniless. Tongues were wagging, gossiping that what was left of their vast wealth were tracts of Sugarland that no one in their blighted family knew how to make productive.

Yikes put on his thinking cap. He saw that the only way he could bailout of this crisis was through conjugal ownership. He quickly assessed the odds and concluded that he must marry into wealth or power, preferably both. He listed down the possible targets, ditched his not-rich-enough-fiancée and set his sights on Gori, the daughter of a powerful and rich man from the borough of PamLu.

He wooed Gori with dogged determination. Although she fell short of his buxomly requirements, he sensed a kinship with the diminutive and ambitious prima donna. It was kismet. Together Yikes and Gori would forge ahead, transcend marital woes and remain steadfastly as one. Vested interest is a bond stronger than wedding vows. Through thick and thin, real and imagined ailments, fame and shame, GoriYikes stuck together like dog-poo on a shoe.

Eeky was lost without Yikes. All his life he was content to be the shadow of his big brother. With Yikes in pursuit of a final solution to their dwindling fortunes, Eeky was groping in the dark. He too married, dabbled in an occupation or two or three, and tried to carve his own identity in high society and pious but affluent church circles. He believed this was his purpose in life since peninsulares’ and saints’ DNA flowed freely in the family tree.

Still he pined for a chance to be reunited with big brother, reminiscing fond memories of capers and girlfriends shared. His one moment of shining glory was the time he actually saved Yikes from the wrath of a very-wealthy-woman-milked-then-scorned. Yikes was literally hiding under the bed, avoiding a scandalous confrontation.

Eeky bravely stepped in. With a straight face he claimed that Yikes had been completely faithful to her [largesse]. It was him, not Yikes, that she caught in flagrante delicto with the village party-girl. The woman did not believe him, but decided that Yikes and Eeky were too yucky to get involved with. She decided to cut her losses and her ties with the fraternal grifters.

Yikes was so grateful to Eeky that he lavished him with bigger morsels than usual. For the first time, Eeky felt bigger than his brother. From then on, the pattern was set. Eeky understood that to balance the lopsided power relationship between him and his older sibling and enhance his status in the process, he must look out for opportunities to rescue Yikes from himself.

Yikes found his groove as Gori’s all-around Man-Friday. As his wife acquired more influence, under-the-table-deals sprouted for the picking. It was as easy as taking candy from the child. Yikes stuck his stubby finger in every mud pie. Soon he needed to hide the wealth he had amassed. With reckless arrogance he simply took out a bank account under an alias, using the name of his grandparents. Just as investigators were closing in on Yikes, Eeky claimed that he owned the by-then-emptied account. Even though no one believed Eeky, Yikes got away with it once again and blood ties were thicker than ever.

But all good things come to an end. The GoriYikes run is over. The excesses and the greed can no longer be swept under the bulging rug. The latest misdeed of Yikes exposed him as selling secondhand helicopters at brand-new prices to law enforcement! Like a broken record, Eeky owned up to the deal and produced doctored documents as proof of involvement. Of course just like his idol, he was conveniently too infirmed to face a probe. It’s one sick brotherhood in more ways than one.

Years later the brothers disappeared. The tittle-tattle is that GoriYikes moved to South America to escape the law. But Yikes was addicted to playing his con games. He crossed some drug lords big-time. Eeky showed up and said he did it. Both were never heard from again.

NB: Although inspired in part from real events, the names are fictional. The clue to their real identity can be gleaned from a text message doing the rounds: “Totoo ngang magkapatid ang sinungaling at magnanakaw...” It’s true that the liar is the brother of the thief.

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