Bulge control

The new guidelines for billboards in Metro Manila are pretty definitive: No posting of breast, butt or bulge. And this, so that the delicate sensibilities of a couple of mayors could be appeased.

 We know where this started. Four billboards for clothing giant Bench featured the rugby players of the Philippine Volcanoes, and since what they were modelling was Bench’s underwear line, the extremely good-looking models had to be featured in all their hunky glory.But the raw exudation of flesh and masculinity was too much for a couple of squeamish little girls, and so their powerful kin raised hell. 

 Indignation, especially from the powerful, works wonders, and without a whimper, the billboards were summarily taken down and replaced with almost exactly the same visual feast: blue sky and the text: ‘Support the Philippine Volcanoes.’ The only difference was, the gaggle of gorgeous guys in their briefs had been edited out.

 Now, the Ad Board and the politicians want to regulate what can be shown to the innocent public, and to protect the citizenry from seeing what they can see anyway in daily television, movies and newspapers, we now have the benefit of this command: Thou shalt not show the three B’s. 

 To be clear about what’s not allowed, the guidelines also say: no nudity. But when has there ever been a nude person splashed onto a billboard? And throughout the past decade, during which time EDSA metamorphosed into the billboard avenue of Manila, haven’t there been innumerable ads emphasizing, if not exactly showing breasts, butts, and even, ahem, bulges? 

 Hollywood movies alone can take credit for half of these, and Bench has likewise been responsible for pushing the envelope as far as the amount of skin that can be publicly shown and still be considered ‘decent.’ Let’s not even get into all those companies that feature sun block, bikinis, and women’s lingerie: they all feature scantily clad women posed to show off their wares to the best advantage.

 The most recent of course, is the ad for a medical clinic, which has voluptuous radio deejay Angelicopter plugging a boobie job. No boobies are really shown, but man, the fact that our attention is called to her breast enhancement and the amount of cleavage that’s revealed leads to no other result but our eyes zooming in towards the result of her medical procedure. (Not bad, we are made to think. Looks perfectly natural!) 

 But now we have these guidelines. Where does this lead us to? Probably, some poor bloke in the police force or some other so-called development authority is supposed to enforce these guidelines. We have now given him the power to decide, in a daily basis, which ad contains too much flesh and which one doesn’t. The result is, we the public can only consume what he can or cannot take. This quacks and smells like ‘thought police’ to me, if you ask me.

 That’s just one side. On the other, we have a new source of corruption. Some enterprising official will threaten to take down existing billboards (which are hugely expensive to produce and mount) unless, of course, a small fee is paid. Or, facilitation fees could be charged by a newly-minted approving authority, so that slightly risqué ads can even see the light of day. 

 One is reminded of Abilene, Texas and Stamford, England, two towns which recently saw replicas of the statue of David unveiled in their midst. Their reaction was similar to another small town in Europe a few years back, likewise treated to David’s glory. As the reproduction of Michelangelo’s masterpiece was revealed, gasps reverberated throughout the art world. Why, the villagers wailed, David was naked! And his equipment is, well, right there! 

 This shocking development could not be condoned, and various proposals were forwarded to solve the crisis. One of those included placing underwear to cover David’s peter, leaving just a decent bulge to be seen by the townspeople, and fair maidens could safely speculate what lay underneath.

I knew we were so much more backward than Europe. We can’t even show bulges in this country.