Follow me

I feel sorry for the followers of Harold Camping, the American radio preacher who convinced hundreds of his followers that the world would end last May 21 at 6 pm. He had claimed that believers would ascend to heaven while everyone else would be left behind until the earth is destroyed on October 21 this year. Some of them had quit their jobs and given away their worldly belongings.

This was not the first time that someone predicted the end of the world. In the months before the eve of the year 2000, a lot of people believed the same thing. On the morning of January 1, 2000, they must have felt the same disappointment that believers of Camping’s Rapture must be feeling now.

Because of these events, I have decided to take my plan to become a cult leader more seriously. I have the looks. My hair has grown so long that when I caught a reflection of myself in a mirror last week, I thought I could pass for one of the fake tribesmen from the Tasaday hoax. If I go to the salon and get a Brazilian blowout, I could turn myself into a contemporary version of the visionary Elsa, the character that Nora Aunor played in the movie “Himala.”

All I need are long white dresses and some hardcore followers. The neighborhood seamstress can take care of the long white dresses, as these need not be too elaborate. The cult leaders I met on a field trip to Mount Banahaw wore flowing white robes cinched by white belts. Getting followers might be harder but I have a solution to that. I happen to know several people who love to spread stories, whether true or not. I can hint that I possess some supernatural powers (being able to predict the future and heal the sick on full moons that fall on a Friday on months that have a letter R or U, for example) and be confident that these stories will take a life of their own. I will help the rumor along by not going out of the house and being silent and mysterious when I do. I will claim that I am communing with God/Goddess/the Universe and conserving energy for what I will call “The Beginning.” For Filipino speakers, I will call it “Ang Simula ng Himala.” For Cebuano speakers, I’m still deciding between “Ang Sugod sa Sinugdanan” or “Tugahala 2012.”

Since so many books have been written and movies made about the end times on December 12, 2012, I will take advantage of the literature and proclaim that The Beginning will start on that date. That should give me enough time to make up stories about where I got my power and/or found enlightenment. Going to the desert and sitting under a tree have been taken so I’m choosing between drinking a non-fat latte in Starbucks or window-shopping at Zara or Mango. I have to attract followers from urban areas and the myths I spread about myself should suggest that prospective followers can find enlightenment by just hanging out.

Having taken Theater Arts in high school (I even attended an acting workshop with persons who now have showbiz careers), I am mulling recreating the iconic scene at the end of “Himala” starring myself (of course) but with a different ending AND with singing and dancing. Having an A-list actor in the video would add to my cult credentials. I’m thinking John Lloyd Cruz or Piolo Pascual. Derek Ramsay will do too.

If I succeed, I know I will have politicians lining up my door in 2016. And if my endorsed presidential candidate wins, I can have my cult followers appointed to influential government posts. It’s time to channel Nora.