Well-lived, well-died

A dear friend bravely recovering from cancer gave me a little book by a Presbyterian minister, John Izzo, which was turned into a highly acclaimed public television series. At first I thought The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die, was another self-help book. But it was heartwarming, illuminating and amazingly well-researched.

Izzo’s personal quest was to find the secret of living and dying well. He pondered why some people find meaning in their life and die happy, while others leave with rancor and agony. As a young minister he cared for the terminally ill. His own father died at age 36, and his wife had a near-death experience at 37, adding to the urgency of his mission. Life is short and the theme seemed universally interesting, as proven by the number of best-selling books, movies and songs on the subject.

Izzo’s first step was to identify interviewees - people who have lived long, wise and happy lives. He asked 15,000 North Americans to send names of people who qualified. Of 1,000 suggestions, a diverse group of 235 aged 59-105 were chosen for in-depth interviews. Town barber, teacher, entrepreneur, priest, poet, Holocaust survivor, aboriginal chief and CEO - 18,000 years accumulated life-experience. Each one was unique in ethnicity, culture, religion, geography and profession. Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, even atheists - not famous, but extraordinary people from all walks of life. The question was: What must we discover about life before we die?

It made perfect reading for Holy Week. Reflecting on Christ’s death and Resurrection, two undeniable truths emerge: first, life is finite; second, we choose what to focus on and harness our energies into, which defines our life whether we live to 33 or 100 years. The secrets can be learned at any age to accomplish what Thoreau called “improving in the nick of time”.

Freud may be wrong in theorizing that the primary human drives are to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Izzo argues that based on his observations as minister and facilitator of personal growth seminars, happiness and meaning are actually the most sought-after experiences. Happiness is defined as joy and a deep-seated contentment as opposed to being blissfully unaware. What Joseph Campbell describes as “the rapture of being alive.” Meaning is a need expressed as a sense of purpose, legacy, calling or reason-for-being-alive. Izzo calls it a connection to something outside ourselves, unachievable alone - something or someone beyond Self.

By definition secrets are supposed to be known only by a few, surprising to most. But the revelations are amazing because they are common to different individuals who live by them day-to-day. But knowing is not enough. We know what we should do for our well-being: exercise, eat right, don’t smoke, prioritize relationships. Yet many live the exact opposite of what they know to be good. The challenge is to turn knowledge into wisdom.

Five secrets that most-already-know: 1) Be true to yourself. 2) Leave no regrets. 3) Become love. 4) Live the moment. 5) Give more than you take. Easier said than done. Confucius said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom. First by reflection, which is noblest; second by experience which is bittersweet; and third by imitation which is easiest.”

Most believe they are true to themselves. But to be able to truly follow the heart, we must live “awake”, constantly examining and finding our destiny. It takes courage to quiet other voices to hear one’s own. Ron came from a family of doctors, but chose to be a chiropractor. His decision was met with derision but he stood firm. At 30, Rob, a newspaper editor, had a cardiac arrest. Too busy to question if this was the life he wanted, he finally had a Eureka moment. He realized that given a second chance, he would spend more time with his family, adopt a child, play more, give back and start a Foundation.

To leave no regrets is to choose risking failure and rejection over playing safe. At 70, May had six novels drafted. Not one was finished because she dreaded the possible disapproval from a publisher. If she only had six months to live, would she take the chance to tell her story? Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote, “the bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone”.

 Banni, a Hindu immigrant from Tanzania avows that the choice to become love, or be compassionate was the center of a happy life. Her mother advised her “Do good if you can to every person you meet, but always make sure you do no harm”. An old Navajo told his grandson that there are two fighting wolves inside him. One is evil: the wolf of anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, guilt, self-pity, inferiority, superiority and fear of walking in another’s moccasins, lest they see falseness in his heart. The other wolf is good: joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, forgiveness and realizing that destiny is in his hands. The wolf you feed wins.

Past sorrows and future concerns can dominate life. Living the moment means realizing that today is the only moment we control, thus precious as the last sunset. 40,000-to-60,000 thoughts cross our minds everyday, ultimately shaping us. Leo Buscaglia warns that “worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow but always robs today of its joy.”

Finally, give more than you take. The happiest people find themselves, then consciously lose themselves for others. Izzo recounts his unforgettable experience when as a young minister, he gave a eulogy at a funeral attended only by the director of the funeral parlor. The dead man’s two sons neither mourned his passing nor attended his wake, the bitter ending of an extremely self-centered life. He died as he lived.

It is never too late to embrace the secrets for a happy life and life-after. A deep self-awareness, a deliberate change of rituals effects happiness. Until we learn to live, we cannot die with grace. Until we learn about death, we cannot live well.

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