Marital power play?

Here is a typical scenario in many Filipino homes: The husband-and-father is marginal and peripheral when it comes to active and responsible presence in home situations and events, and the wife-and-mother is more often the central and controlling person in such matters. When it comes to psycho-emotional power, she comes across as the more dominant one. In such a marital relationship, the husband-and-father finds more time for himself and spends this with his male friends in sports, drinking, and other such macho activities. The more he does this, the more the wife-and-mother tries to correct him, blames him, and assumes more psycho-emotional power in the home. And the more she does this, the more the husband does what he does behind her back. This power struggle goes on and on, until it explodes into a major conflict. Male sexual infidelity is often an issue that comes into play within this marital power struggle.

This problematic scenario is found in homes among the poor, the middle-class, and the rich. Inter-sectoral. The husband-wife relationship described in today’s Second Reading (Eph. 5: 21-32) is still far from being lived in many Filipino, Christian homes. The egalitarian partnership of husband and wife in relating to each other and in parenting their children is very much needed today. “He must increase, she must decrease.” In many Filipino homes, the husband-and-father needs to assume more responsibility as the servant-leader, and the wife-and-mother must assume a more egalitarian role in home and family leadership. Husband-wife rather than a mother-son relationship to each other. This “mother-son” relationship between husband and wife has been a frequent source of marital problems in many Filipino homes.

Our external society out there is already updated and equipped with egalitarian laws as far as gender issues are concerned. The Philippine Constitution, the Family Code, and now the Magna Carta of Women, which was just signed into law as Republic Act 9710. It mandates an equitable participation and representation of women in government, political parties, the civil service, and the private sector. It also protects women from all forms of violence, like rape and other forms of sexual abuse. Equal opportunity for women is emphasized under the law in all fields and endeavors.

But it is the domestic life and interpersonal relationship between many Filipino husbands and wives that urgently need reforms, and these are not covered by legal laws. This is the challenge of our Gospel teaching for today (Jn. 6: 60-69). Christ is asking our husbands and wives, “Do you really want to follow me, or would you rather turn your backs and go? Decide before it’s too late!”

As I have referred to in the past, repeated research on our Filipino youth show some of their critical needs as follows:

* Need for quality time with their fathers

* Need for emotional closeness with their fathers through meaningful communication, dialogue, and expressions of affection

* Need for tangible and credible male role-models for living

* Need for moral and spiritual leadership and guidance from their fathers

As to husband-wife relationship, many Filipino wives are continually hungry for their husbands’ attention, affection, communication and dialogue, and responsible leadership in the home. As today’s Second Reading says: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her . . . . So also husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.” (Eph. 5: 25, 28).

So then, led by the Christian example of husbands, wives, fathers and mothers, all of us are to follow the ways of Christ in our lifelong journey to God and God’s love. The primary profession and calling for each one of us is to be a professional lover, as Christ was, is, and forever will be. All other professions are only secondary to this. Like many of those who heard the teachings of Christ, so many today have turned their backs on him, for they choose not to follow his way. In the depths of our hearts, we can hear Christ ask, as He did to Peter in today’s Gospel event, “Will you also go away?” What is our answer to this question that comes from the very heart of Christ? Will we quietly turn around and leave, as many of his hearers did, or will we stay, as Peter did, and say without the slightest hesitation, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God.” (Jn. 6: 69).