(Part 3 of a series on A New Year’s Resolution…)
Part 1 and 2 of this series of articles are on how to remove the constant clutter in our houses. Similarly, we must also know how to remove cobwebs in our lives.
When we are immobilized by little things and are easily bothered, our “over-reactions” not only make us frustrated, they also get in the way of getting what we want. We tend to lose sight of the bigger picture, focus on the negative and may even annoy other people who might otherwise want to help.
Everyday, a housewife cannot help but nag her housemaid either for mismatching her blouses and skirts or misplacing the special family silverware. The helter-skelter of the Metro Manila traffic can easily trigger a man’s anger that he is likely to pull his gun and shoot the other driver.
Is your life one great emergency?
Are you one who lives your life as one great emergency? Do you find yourself rushing around trying to solve problems, but in reality, are often compounding them? Does everything seem such a big deal and you end up spending your life dealing with one drama after another? When these happen we fail to recognize that the way we relate to our problems has a lot to do with how quickly and efficiently we solve them.
When we learn the habit of responding to life with more ease, then problems that seemed “insurmountable” will begin to seem more manageable. And, even the nagging things that are truly stressful, won’t throw you off track.
One of my efficient line managers tells me that she can never shut off from her work concerns in the school publication office so that when she was on leave in Bangkok with her family she had to make overseas calls. According to her, even when it comes to domestic concerns like tidying the house, she is the exact opposite of her husband who takes his time, “I do wonder how he can even drink a cup of coffee in between the various steps of washing the car!”
I told Dolly that she can learn from him to slow down sometimes and relax.
Strategies to approach life in a more graceful way
There are specific strategies that will help you respond to life more gracefully. Each strategy is simple, yet powerful and will act as a navigational guide to point you in the direction of greater perspective and more relaxed living.
First is to approach life in the path of least resistance. Secondly, as in the Zen philosophy, learn to “let go” of problems instead of resisting with all your might, so your life may begin to flow smoothly. Then, pray regularly to be able to “…change the things that can be changed, accept those that cannot, and have the wisdom to know the difference.”
#1 Make peace with imperfection
Rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are often focused on what’s wrong with something and our need to fix it. This happens between people of authority and subordinates — from parents and children, office managers and staff to teachers relating with their students.
When we zero in on someone else’s “imperfections” — how others look, behave, or live his/her life — the very act pulls us away from our goal of being kind and gentle.
Connie, my senior teacher, tells me that she and her husband Mark get into heated arguments when it comes to child-rearing and disciplining of their two daughters, one in grade school and the other in high school. Mark is autocratic and when he says something the rule is “no ifs and buts”. Connie being Montessori-trained is more democratic so she gives the children the chance to correct themselves.
Mark should understand that children outgrow their imperfections as they mature from childhood to adolescence, but they must be given responsibilities to do house chores instead of just focusing on school matters.
# 2 Compassion – A sympathetic feeling
Nothing helps us build our perspective more than developing compassion for others. It is the recognition that other people’s problems, their pain and frustrations, are every bit as real as our own — often, far worse. I specially pray for patience when dealing with my young house girl who grew up in the highlands of Gingoog. Up to now she thinks she is laundering clothes by the free flowing river in the mountains as she keeps our faucet running the whole day.
Compassion develops your sense of gratitude by taking your attention off all the little things that most of us have learned to take too seriously. It involves the willingness to put yourself in someone else’s shoe, to take the focus off yourself and to imagine what it is like to be in someone else’s predicament.
As Mother Teresa reminds, “We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love.”
#3 Allow yourself to be bored
For many of us, our lives are so filled with stimuli, not to mention responsibilities that it is almost impossible for us to sit still and do nothing, much less relax — even for a few minutes. However, this does not mean hours of idle time or laziness, but simply learning the art of relaxing, of just “being”, rather than “doing”, for a few minutes each day.
My husband, Max, acquired the art of relaxing by watching home movies or simply reading his “spy” novels, for it lessened mental stress he endured writing daily opinion columns, while most columnists wrote twice or thrice a week. Just like his body, his mind needed an occasional break from his hectic routine.
Trying this may make you a little anxious at first, but each day it will get a little easier. So just allow your mind to take a break, so it comes back stronger, sharper, more focused and creative.
#4 Don’t interrupt others
Have you realized how destructive and how tremendous the amount of energy it takes to try to be in two heads at once? When you hurry someone along, interrupt someone, or finish his or her sentence, you have to keep track not only of your own thoughts but of those of the person you are interrupting as well. This tendency among busy people encourages both parties to speed up their speech and their thinking. This, in turn, makes both people nervous, irritable and annoyed. It is also the cause of many arguments because if there is one thing almost everyone resents, it’s someone who doesn’t listen to what they are saying.
Tell yourself to allow the other person to finish speaking before you take your turn. (Since some person tend to monopolize the time, make it a rule to limit comments to five minutes.) You will notice right away how much your interaction with people improve. The people you communicate with will feel much more relaxed around you when they feel they are being listened to. Your heart and pulse rates will slow down, and you will begin to enjoy your conversations rather than rush through them.
#5 Let others have the glory
There is something magical that happens to the human spirit, when you cease needing all the attention directed toward yourself, and instead allow others to have the glory.
Our need for excessive attention is that ego-centered part of us that says, “Look at me. I’m special.” It is that voice inside of us that may not come right out and say it, but that wants to believe that “my accomplishments are more important than yours.” The ego is that part of us that wants to be seen, heard, respected, and considered special, often at the expense of someone else. Although it is a difficult habit to break, it is not only enjoyable but actually peaceful to have the quiet confidence to be able to surrender your need for attention and instead share in the joy of someone else’s glory.
Petty burdens
The best strategy to remove the cobwebs in our life is constant PRAYER. Without it, we may never be able to permanently remove these petty burdens.
“My child, come for a few moments, for a quiet talk. You are finding each day how easy a thing is to bring all your problems to Me. You are also finding how small most of them are. Each day, they seem to gather. By no law shall man be free from gathering these petty burdens, but you will find as you constantly turn to Me, following the plan I have given you, that larger problems and greater distressing things shall have no place in your life. As small weed of worry and fret are kept out of your mental garden, the rhythm of your life will be so in tune to My Divine Rhythm, that all your affairs shall flow smoothly and in true law and order.”
(Quiet Talks With the Master by Eva Bell Weber)
(For more information or reaction, please e-mail at exec@obmontessori.edu.ph or pssoliven@yahoo.com)