Muse Mauresmo

I was shocked to see Amelie Mauresmo booted out of the French Open. All this time, I had been harboring the stout belief that she would make history by being the first out lesbian to win this tennis tournament. (Note, I say out, because I seriously believe there are other lesbians playing in the clay court, although they're still buried very deeply in the closet.)

What a wonderful headline her victory would make. If I were penning the cover story, it would read something like: "Open Dike Wins Open." In fact, I had already been composing my interview questions for her at the press conference, really interesting questions that would expose the innermost Amelie. Then she ups and loses. Sigh. So much for my stunning jewels of wit and erudition.

Examples:

1. So Mademoiselle Amelie, (May I call you Amelie, by the way? Thanks.) who among the women players here in the pro circuit are your type?

(Whatever answer she gives, that's already going to be instant fodder for the gossip tabloids, and guaranteed to earn me quick bucks. Hopefully, she's going to say some pretty girl like Maria Sharapova or Martina Hingis, because then you could move onto the next natural question:)

2. So, have you ever sexually propositioned her in the locker room?

(But of course she's never going to give herself away like that. Assuming she plays coy and refuses to name names, I'm going to take her into safer ground with this one:)

3. All right, Amelie, what about the male players? Who among them confuses your senses and stirs your heterosexual tendencies? Any one stud in particular?

(Instant laughter from the audience, as she smiles and tosses off some cute player's name, like Roger or Marat. Then I move on).

4. Amelie, I think you're one of the most attractive players in the tournament (This is to butter her up). However, there's this beauty concept that divides the two sides of the Atlantic - do you shave your pits, or do you profess the concept of au naturelle like any other Continental lass?

(This will warm up the rest of the foreign press, who will think I'm such a clever person to think of this question nobody ever thought of asking before, and will let me stay at the mike longer. Now, I'm hoping she's going to say she doesn't shave her pits, because that will give me the opening I need for my next question:)

5. Since you don't believe in stripping yourself of your God-given bushy decor, does that mean you're butch, as opposed to a lipstick lesbian?

(Which, natch, would lead to this question:)

6. What's your type of gal pal? Somebody like you?

(Meaning, you dolt, she's attracted to someone equally butch if she says she's butch, or lipstick, if she says she's lipstick. And that's not a stupid question, if you just realized how amazingly diverse sexual attraction can be. Then, to add a degree of seriousness to the proceedings, I'll move on to some kinda sober question like:)

7. Have you experienced discrimination in the pro tennis circuit? If so, what kind and how did you face it?

(At this point, she better come up with a heartwarming sob story guaranteed to make people rise up from oppression and shake their fists at those bigots. My story then would focus on how she's survived the oppression and risen through the ranks to eventually become world number one in the rankings. And she'd better not say she already sold her exclusive story to Paris Match, or worse, Hello!, which would mean the end of my calculating ways.)

8. Finally, to end this interview, (and just to make sure I don't leave a bad impression) what kind of charitable cause do you espouse? HIV/AIDS? Gay empowerment? The environment? Buddhism? Freedom of religion?

(This will be her cue to talk about her pet causes, and earn me brownie points as well from her press manager).

Of course, I'd have no fear or embarrassment at voicing these questions, because I'm sure she's used to much, much worse.

(Need I drop the useful statistic here that three French paparazzi were expelled from Namibia by the African government for trying to intrude into the privacy of my friends Brad and Angelina?)

The thing is, as I said, Amelie lost. Now I have to compose questions for Justine.