It is every brides wish to have a Prince Charming, who is handsome and rich. But, it is actually the Frog Prince who they must look for. They are unassuming, less dashing in looks and more modest men with talents, who turn out to become the truly caring Prince of ones life.
"Love is blind," they say. Even if you are aware of some bothersome qualities in your partner, you often turn a blind eye on them. You overlook them because arent we supposed to look for the best in the other person?
Marriage is believed to be the promised land where happiness abounds until the newlyweds wake up from their dreams. Listen to what this man said a few weeks after their wedding: "She wasnt the person I thought she would be when we married. I married the wrong person." Meantime, this is what the wife said, "When we were dating, in his eyes, I couldnt do any wrong. After the honeymoon, I couldnt do anything right."
In America, rash divorces occur at the second-year mark in marriages and then again on the seventh year. These couples have entered the marriage with high hopes and expectations. But, they soon lose sight of the positive qualities of their partner and notice only the negative ones. They see only the worst, imagine the worst, and create a negative vicious cycle.
Many couples who base their decision to marry on physical love, carries the marriage for about three to five years. Those who base their marriage upon romantic love, may last for five to seven years. If friendship love does not develop, the relationship feels empty and may fall apart.
Commitment means giving up childish dreams and unrealistic expectations, as well as accepting disappointments in marriage. Those who enter marriage unprepared for any problems, disappointments or adjustments experience more of the wedding-bell blues than others. The attitude you have towards your adjustments can make the difference.
Prior to your marriage, you need to identify all the changes you will be making in your life, as well as what you will be giving up. While the very young find it difficult to give up the barkada (gang mates), the much older ones will have to make other adjustments with his set ways.
Secondly, keep in mind that the person you marry (no matter who it is) is a "foreigner". They will think, do things, behave and communicate differently. Even their values shall be different from yours. Therefore, you need to learn to speak your partners language and look at one another and say, "We are really different from one another. And, it is okay for you to be you and for me to be me. We can learn from one another. These differences will help each of us become more flexible."
Ask yourselves and each other basic questions so you get to know yourself as well as your future spouse better:
How did you get along with each of your parents? What were they like?
How did you get along with your siblings? What special memories do you have of your childhood? What did you enjoy or dislike about school and its activities? What were your hurts and disappointments as a child?
Did you like yourself as a teenager? What were your talents and special abilities? What were you afraid of? Do you have any of those fears today? What was your spiritual life like? Who are the five most important people in your life? Who are your friends? Do you want children?
In the first phase, you experience disillusionment. You compare your partner now with the way he or she was before you were married. Over the years, many wives said their husbands were open, feelings oriented, communicative and highly attentive during their courtship, but within a month of marriage, all that disappeared.
Sometimes the partner has, in fact, changed, but other times it is only the perception of the others behavior. What you used to see as positive traits are now viewed as negative. As one husband said, "I knew she was organized and neat, but not to this extent. She is so rigid and a perfectionist. It is hard to live with her."
She always answered affirmatively, but Dick always walks to the door to verify that it was bolted. There were only two ways for her to interpret his behavior: either he though she was lying about the door or else he didnt think that she had brains to remember locking it. Both alternatives made her furious. This scenario symbolized many other sources of conflict between husband and wife.
So in her evening prayers, she asks the Lord, "Why is my husband the way he is?"
The Lord replied, "Take a good look at your husband. He is a detail man. That is why he is such a good banker. He can examine a list of figures and instantly locate an error that others have overlooked. I gave him the ability to handle banking responsibilities. Yes, I made your husband a door checker and I want you to accept him that way."
To solve hurt feelings, you seek out a confidant in order to gripe and complain about how dissatisfying the marriage or partner is. We can and need to help one another change in a healthy way. But, when you are approaching the problem from the position of hurt, you usually reinforce the basic problem or make it worse.
This is where the sacramental grace of marriage comes to the rescue. Do your night prayers together to persevere and to be patient. As soon as you feel your partner is hurt APOLOGIZE. Watch love bounce back.
Filipinos must learn how to be comfortable with anger. Anger does not have to kill a marriage. It can actually show that you still care about your partner and the relationship. It is a sign that you are alive and well and want to have something better.
Anger causes you to assert yourself in situations where you should. By now, you are beginning to express feelings to your partner, not in a way that draws you closer, but in a way that alienates him. Expressions of hurt, anger and disappointment are usually presented in a critical way, mingled with an air of disgust. It is not uncommon to avoid your partner, and sexual involvement is either cut off or becomes a mechanical duty. This is a dangerous time in your life, for hurt and anger will make you vulnerable to seeking fulfillment elsewhere. In the death of love, emotional desperation is usually present, which becomes a perfect breeding ground for affairs.
No couple who marries ever want something like this to happen. It is the worse-case scenario. You can avoid this tragedy if you remember what caused it: UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION, and the ABSENCE OF FRIENDSHIP LOVE developing in the relationship.
(ERRATA: Please take note of errors made in the 26 January 2006 article. Under the sub-title, Give Us the Tools and We Will do the Job, the second line in the second paragraph should read: But, each Filipino has individual strengths, JUST GIVE THEM THE TOOLS. The fifth sub-title should be WHERE PARENTS PAY PUBLIC SCHOOLS. The first line should read: In Indonesia, a major part of public school education is provided BY PARENTS.)
(For more information or reaction, please e-mail at exec@obmontessori.edu.ph or pssoliven@yahoo.com)