So precious

The following is the transcript of the testimony of international beauty queen Myra Marquis in the ongoing court battle between the First Lady and the Philippine Government:

Interpreter: Miss Marquis, Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

MM : I do. On the graves of my mother, my father, and most especially, my parents, I do.

Solicitor General: So, Madame Witness (interrupted)

MM : Excuse me, I'm not the Madame, Madame Imelda is the madame. I'm just a miss.

SG : Ok, So, Miss Marquis (interrupted)

MM : Excuse me, I have a title. It's not Miss Marquis, it's Miss International.

SG : Ok fine, Miss International, why don't you tell us where you were on the night of May 6, 1980.

MM : On that night, I was in a party in Saudi Arabia. I was in the palace of the Prince(interrupted)

SG : Which prince?

MM : The Prince of Saudi Arabia

SG : Yes, but what was his name?

MM : Well, everybody called him Ahmed, but he said for me to call him this long name, it was so funny, I couldn't help but memorize it. It was "Wansyugetabrain"

SG : What's that?

MM : Wansyugetabrain! I still remember what he said, it was very sweet. He said, "Hello, you're very beautiful. Call me Wansyugetabrain."

SG : Okeeeyyy, so what happened next?

MM : Well, there was this big party and so many women were there and they were wearing all these lovely gowns. The Prince clapped his hands, and out came two slaves. My, they were hunks. One had this amazing tattoo on his chest that went all the way down his torso, and when I looked more closely, it went aaaaall the way down

SG : Ahem, and what happened next?

MM : Oh, right. So these two hunks in loincloths that came out and they had this small wooden chest they were carrying and they opened it in front of the Prince. The Prince took out this one amazing diamond studded collar made of solid gold, and we all gasped when we saw it. It was fabulicious! He raised it and showed it to the whole room, and then he slowly dangled it in front of Madame. We were all so quiet. Then a whisper came out from his sexy mouth, and I barely heard him say to Madame "Want to be my beach tonight?"

SG : Pardon?

MM : You know, beach? Like the one with the sand and lots of beach balls?

SG : He said that?! And how did the First Lady react? Was she angry?

MM : Of course not! Madame said, "For those rocks in your hand, I'll be your beach anytime!!"

SG : Are you sure that's what Madame said?

MM : Of course that's what she said! I heard it perfectly! In fact, the Prince pulled out suntan lotion and started pouring it on Madame, saying it would make her smooth and ready.

SG : And then what happened next?

MM : Actually, I don't know. They went into the other room, where the Prince said he would take Madame for a ride. I thought they were going to ride the car to the beach already. But that was so strange, because she came back into the party only two minutes later and the golden collar was on her neck already. And there was some sot of string hanging from the back of it, which looked a bit like metalit was probably gold too, and it so matched the collar.

SG : And is that the substance of your story?

MM : What sobs tans? I'm not sobbing and she didn't get a tan!

SG : No, no, I mean are you done? Is your story finished?

MM : Yes. But I would to read my closing statement.

SG : You prepared a closing statement.

MM : Yes. I just want to say this, because the Madame is a very good person. She's very generous. She helped me and my family, sometimes she even gives me money from her own room in that ugly grey building in the Central Bank compound. At the end of the day, please remember, she's not a book, she's a human being! So don't judge her, please. Thank you.