Incompatibility

Chesterton with his usual perspicacity has a remark about divorce. He says, "If Americans can be divorced for ‘incompatibility of temper’ I cannot conceive why they’re not all divorced." His reason: man and woman are by their very nature incompatible.

He says, "I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one."

Chesterton is as usual right. A man’s psychological make-up is totally different from that of a woman. They are bound to be incompatible. They might be friends, even lovers, but certainly they will always be different, not only physically but in tastes and outlook. I presume that a happy marriage is one in which husband and wife are determined to ignore their differences and endeavor to live in harmony.

One elderly man (who had held very important positions both in the public and private sectors) told me that in all their married years he and his wife had never had a quarrel. They had been married more than fifty years and had many children.

I asked him how they had managed to avoid quarreling in all those years. He answered, "Very simple. It takes two to quarrel."

I don’t suppose it was always easy to avoid a quarrel. I imagine that there must have been times when patience and tolerance and mutual understanding must have required nearly heroic efforts.

I am not married myself (thank God) but I admire those who are. I am convinced, from long observation, that marriage is for heroes, not for weaklings.

And certainly not for those who are selfish and self-centered.

Which may be one reason why so many famous actresses are constantly being divorced. They fall in love with someone, there is a "whirlwind romance", they get married with lavish pomp and ceremony recorded by a hundred photographers, and a year or two later they are filing for divorce. No wonder. The famous actress is probably a very selfish self-centered person, and the man she marries is probably just as bad.

The same applies to many wealthy persons, including members of the British royalty.

A long time ago I read in one of Agatha Christie’s detective stories a passage that struck me. I have already quoted it in this column. The dialogue went something like this:

A man (let’s call him X) marries a famous actress (call her Y) who turns out to be a predatory person. She has affairs with married men, winning them away from their wives, breaking up their homes. A friend says to X, "Don’t you see what your wife is doing? Why not leave her?" X is horrified and says, "My dear man, I can’t do that!" "Why not?"

"Because, you see, I married her."

"You can get a divorce."

"No. When I married her I made a commitment: "for better, for worse, until death."