5 tips: Psychology of moving on

MANILA, Philippines - When your heart is shattered into pieces, you feel awful and terrible. You cannot picture yourself loving someone else and you only see your life out of the glasses you forced and forged to build out of the pain and misery. Even the simplest things elicit sentiments and flashbacks of your memories that only reopen your wounds and further engage you to the past. Your reminiscences mock you, flashing those moments of perfection just out of your reach.

This is how you remain.

But the harsh reality is that those days are gone with the wind, really out of your reach. The whole world does not stand still for you; the whole world does not accord to your wishes. The truth is, the whole world continues to rotate no matter how still you want it to be.

So this is not how you should remain.

Stop living a miserable life. Here are the things you could do to help yourself to move on, according to psychology experts:

Grieve, but do not grieve for the rest of your life
You have to grieve in order to move on. Take time to wallow, but do not spend the rest of your life wallowing. It is enough to go back once or twice; read the crumpled pages of your fairytale book, but after trudging back, tear the pages and burn the whole book. According to Therese Borchard of pyschcentral.com, by going around some of the issues that are tearing you apart inside, you may bump into them somewhere down the line, just like being caught in the center of a traffic circle. By going through the intense pain for some time, you would eventually surface as a stronger person ready to tackle problems head on. Soon the pain will lose its stronghold over you.

Detachment is the key to happiness
Inevitably, there is always an associated withdrawal, when a long term relationship ends. When you have been with a person for too long detaching is almost too impossible, but it is not. Studies show that romantic partners who are intensely in love are exposed to photographs of their beloved. The brain regions that become activated are the same regions that are activated in cocaine addicts when they are craving cocaine. In order to gain a healthy distance from them, reframe your thoughts and emotions about that person as if they are cold, clinical biological processes.

Remember this, detaching is all about reveling the thought of being independent. You have to pick up the pieces together and fill the emptiness “without rushing into a new relationship or desperately running after the one you already lost. Empower yourself by reciting this every day, you do not need anyone or anything to make you happy.” You once lived without him in your life, you were once happy without him. It is your job to bring back what he took away from you. It is your job to empower yourself.

Find the courage to forgive
There is one emotion that is stronger than fear, and that is forgiveness. In order to forgive the one who hurt you, you should learn how to accept the fact that yes you have been together, but it did not work out, so you have to let go. Apologize to yourself and to your previous lover. Admit that the both of you had your own lapses. "Apology is necessary to begin the journey of forgiveness within a relationship," claims Dr. Steven Greer. Believe that there is so much more than being with him. Hope that the sadness will evaporate, including anger and disappointment.

Fight hard with all the little strength inside you and you would be surprised that a day will come when you are once again excited to have a cup of coffee in the morning without having to be burned by his absence in your life.

Build a better world
Create your own safe world. Do not be stuck in a world where every character is the character who used to live in your world when you were still together. Find new friends who are strangers from the world where you used to reside. Let go of the toxic memories by going to new places where his ghost would not dare visit. Take the time of being single to explore new habits. Do all these things to reprogram yourself, but never take out the possibility of meeting someone new.

Meredith Hansen, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert said, "only you will know when you are ready to move on, but remember that it will get better, you will heal, you will meet someone new, and you will enjoy life and love again."

Learn to love again
As painful as it is to see them move on with their lives without you, it is much more agonizing to see yourself stuck in the past—unmoved, pitiful, and miserable.  Learn to love again. Believe that somewhere along the road, someone will come and will make you realize that love is worth experiencing, even with all those hardships. 

Henri Nouwen, a Catholic priest, professor, and writer from Netherlands urges to love again. He writes, “the more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper…Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear.”