Home, James!

Apparently, there’s this roster system around here as to who "takes the wheel" of the back seat driver wagon; and its something that’s taken very seriously. This is probably because it is the one small patch of real estate in this paper where we can really be we. No exceptions, I’m told. It’s a real privilege. A powerful tool. You’re given a chance to get on a soapbox and make a difference, so you better make sure you have something substantial to say. No advertorials allowed.

So the back seat column is sort of like being a member of this very exclusive little circle that allows you to take your turn behind the wheel of a stupidly powerful sports car with no ABS, EBD, DSC or other babysitting devices, that will just as quickly and easily snap you in half as it would in making you feel whole. Its all in how you drive it. And, because you have given me your trust behind the wheel, the least I can do is let you get to know a bit about me, the driver.

Honestly, I’m just like most of you. I’m no expert; I couldn’t fire off the standard gaps between the spark plugs of every Honda model since 1976. I couldn’t care less, actually. I’m more the kind of person that just knows what I like based on how something made me feel. And that’s how I evaluate a car and form my opinion. I may not be able to remember every vital statistic of every new model I drive, but I’ll never forget how each one made me feel. And I will be honest when I tell you about them.

I write about cars because I love them and I love driving. I like the feeling. I love having my own personal space with me wherever I go. I’m never too far away from something familiar. I love my car because it is as much about my own private little space as it is about transportation. Its like a best friend — it’s always there for you. They really are wonderful things, and I thank God for every day that I’m mobile.

I just wished everyone knew how to drive well. Then we would all be able to enjoy the road so much more. Just so there’s no confusion, driving is not the same thing as operating a motor vehicle. Learning to operate a vehicle is the easy part and shouldn’t take longer than a single afternoon. Driving is a skill that we should continue to hone for the rest of our lives. Even memorizing the road rules will only cover the tip of the iceberg; understanding the psyche of driving is what will ensure our survival in the urban jungle. For example, an experienced driver can already tell just by reading into body language when someone is about to change lane even before they indicate their intention or start tugging at the wheel. The unwritten rule here is, however: when you sense that, you will now speed up to close the gap. At least for men.

Another thing you will never be told about in driving school or find in a road rulebook is the chapter that covers the driver’s coma. This is a phenomenon wherein a driver totally ignores the fact that there are other road users out there that weren’t present during the day they feel they were elected as the mobile human speed limiters. Or moving chicanes, if you will. You will find these people hogging the left lane of every expressway, doing their bit to keep everyone traveling at a pre-prescribed 42km/h.

Then there is the professional counter-flower. He shares the same IQ as a cauliflower. The rhyming part is no coincidence. He genuinely feels that his time is more valuable than all those who have waited patiently in line combined. But here’s the trick: He activates a secret and powerful force field around his car that serves as total immunity for his selfish and dangerous act — the hazard light. Newsflash: Hazard lights DO NOT legalize bad driving. Do they honestly think that it protects them? It only serves as a flashing sign saying, "I’m an idiot, I know. Now let me through." Same goes for the wang wang, except it’s in stereo. An audiovisual moron.

One of my favorites is the gridlocker. Here’s a person committed to blurring the line between the animal and the plant kingdom, and is obviously a member of the latter. His motto is quite simple: "If I can’t go anywhere, neither can you." This person cannot grasp the concept of an open intersection policy, and will risk life and limb to protect the patch of road in front of him. Or her. I know that the Filipino dream is to own a piece of land, but this does not include the six square feet right in front of your bumper.

One thing that all of these characters have in common is that as soon as they realize the mayhem they have caused, they immediately develop tunnel vision — a strange and unexplained condition that temporarily renders all those around their vehicle invisible. Their survival becomes entirely dependant on avoiding eye contact. When they can’t help but feel the weight of your stare, they will instinctively fidget with the rear view mirror, organize their coin compartments, try and remove that stubborn stain from the roof lining or reach for a cell phone and pretend to text. And to think they believe they had us all fooled — we’re on to you!

If you’ve ever eaten in a lousy restaurant and have tried desperately to get the attention of a waiter that has mastered the art of looking anywhere but at you, you will relate to what I’m saying. You appreciate a fine restaurant from an eatery because you feel that dining is an art that is very different from eating. Those that have traveled and have a zest for life will agree that life is meant to be experienced and each moment enjoyed, which is why living is not the same as existing. Then there are those like me, that have a passion for motoring, who really believe that operating a motor vehicle is completely different from driving.

Questions, comments, reactions. Here’s what you Backseat drivers had to say last week.

Morning traffic along Commonwealth Avenue will be solved once Bayani Fernando musters enough courage to widen the road fronting Iglesia ni Kristo. — 09178946153 (We’ve seen the road expansion plans for Commonwealth Avenue which our contacts at the MMDA say will start to take effect by next year. It’ll be a long process but one hopefully worth the wait.)

How about moving the PUJ lane to the left side of the road while private cars take the right side of the road? — 09175200232 (Hmm…What do you guys think?)

Right now, what are the cities that offer the 10AM to 3PM window in the color coding scheme? Can you give us a list? - 09196377017 (That would be a long list. But let’s just say that all the cities in Metro Manila are under the color coding scheme and that all have the window save for Makati and Mandaluyong. Plus, there’s the Marikina and Pasig areas which are already "color coding free").

How true are the rumors that color coding is not in effect anymore in Pasig and Marikina? — 09175337998 (True. The rumors are true.)

It’s about time car makers offer us different body styles instead of engine sizes. Hatchbacks & MPVs are hot, sedans and SUVs are not! — Gerald B.

Hey Manny! You forgot to mention the Honda Civic hatchback that came out in the early 90s and is still visible in the streets today. — 09155164660

You forgot to include the Honda civic that was introduced I think in the early 90s. — Jimpson Lim

I was surprised that you failed to mention the Honda Civic Hatchback in your article. — 09274631257 (Okay, there were a few more messages with the same sentiments, but you get the picture. In the words of Manny, "Now, that’s a monumental oversight!" He has promised a follow-up article in response to your comments.)

I have noticed that almost all Robinsons Malls/Shopping Centers are "traffic bottlenecks". Do they tolerate or invite illegal terminals? — 09178131099 (Interesting assessment. What do you guys think?)

Authorities should apprehend and ban the use of smoked plate number glass protectors. — 09175286049

Speak out, be heard and keep those text messages coming in. To say your piece and become a "Backseat Driver", text PHILSTAR<space>FB<space>MOTORING<space>YOUR MESSAGE and send to 2333 if you’re a Globe or Touch Mobile subscriber or 334 if you’re a Smart or Talk ’n Text subscriber or 2840 if you’re a Sun Cellular subscriber. Please keep your messages down to a manageable 160 characters. You may send a series of comments using the same parameters.