My friend didn’t tell me about my husband’s affair

My marriage is not really a happy one. One day, I had lunch with a friend of long standing and I told her my marital problems and said I was considering a separation. To my dismay, she told me that it was a good idea to leave my husband. Then she confessed to me that she saw my husband in a disco with a date and she never told me because I never opened up to her about my unhappy state. I was so shocked I burst out crying. She said it was dark and my husband didn’t see her because she was on the other side of the disco and she didn’t dance. But she was observing him and she came to the conclusion that it was not an innocent date. That happened three years ago. She let three years pass and if I didn’t confide in her my miserable state she would never have told me! Do you think that is right? I was three years in the dark about my husband’s extra-marital affairs! She could have shortened my misery if she had told me right there and then. My husband comes home very late at night five days a week on the pretext of business meetings. Little do I know it’s mostly monkey business. But that is beside the point. I am not here to consult about my husband as that is my business. It’s my friend’s behavior that I am questioning here. I feel that she betrayed our friendship by not telling me what she saw. It‘s the end of us, as far as I am concerned. – Betrayed Friend

This is a very sensitive issue and some of your friends will think like you do but some of them will not. Some women prefer to be in the dark about their husband’s philandering and would rather not know. They claim "ignorance is bliss"! They are content as long as their husbands come home at night and provide them with the "essentials." However, there are some wives like you, who are unhappy because they would like more quality out of their marriages. You envisioned a marriage made in heaven, where the husband has dinner with you almost every night, plans out-of- town weekends, has a lot of dialogue and communication with you. Not one who comes home late every night, too drunk or too tired to talk. So you would rather know the facts no matter how painful. But your friend didn’t know this as you did not open up to her. You have to understand her situation. What if she told you what she saw and your husband denies it and you would rather believe him? This happens many times with a lot of couples. She might have thought she will also lose your friendship this way. So you see, this is not an easy situation for your friend. She opted to keep you in the dark to give your marriage a chance to survive. You should optimize every effort to save your marriage. In the final analysis, it’s only you who can decide to put a closure to it.

* * * To Annul Or Not To Annul

My fiancée and I are both divorced from our first spouses. But we are not legally annulled. My ex is already living with someone, but hers is still hunting around. We would like to get married and I am willing to get a civil annulment but she is not willing because she is the wealthy one and will have to share a lot of her wealth with him. He is not doing too well financially.

I love her so much that I would like to marry her. What is the best solution to my problem? – Melvin

If your divorce is recognized in the USA, you could both get married there, like in Vegas or Reno. I know of some people who have done that to legitimize their union socially but eventually had to get a civil annulment for legal purposes. As for your fiancée’s wealth, she has to consult a good lawyer on how to go about it. Perhaps an amicable settlement with her ex-husband will do wonders for her. Has she tried negotiating with him? If you say he is not doing good financially, he might want to settle out of court if offered a reasonable compensation.

* * * Tipped Off

What is the rule on tipping? Most of the restaurants here have a 10 percent service charge on the bill plus VAT. My boyfriend does not leave a tip when there is already a service charge but I get embarrassed especially if the service is good. I feel that he should leave something still. We constantly argue about this. What is the proper thing to do?

Most restaurants put a service charge so that the waiters are assured of a tip regardless of thrifty tippers. But if the service is really good and you frequent the restaurant, it will not harm to put a little extra for good will. Bear in mind that most of these waiters are earning a bare minimum so a little extra from the clients could go a long way for them. In the USA, a 15 percent tip is required. If you give less than that, the waiter puts on a long face. If you feel embarrassed about your boyfriend’s 10 percent tip, have some loose change ready and put it on your own. This will save you from further arguments, and hopefully your boyfriend does not mind your gesture of good will.

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