Would you like some fries with that?

MANILA, Philippines - Please, to the straight gentlemen in my audience, the least you could do is to at least change into a clean set of clothes before meeting up with your lady, particularly for the first few dates. No matter how casual the encounter, like even if it’s just movies and chill, it’s only polite to make sure you don’t smell like the brutal day you just had at the office, the intensity of your workout, or the plain ol’ struggle of life. Women are to preen, pluck and perfume. And what do I get from you guys?

I abhor the aroma of cold French fries. Wait. Allow me to be excruciatingly specific. I abhor people, particularly men, who give off the reek of deep fried potatoes that have gone cold. The waxy stench of coagulated saturates, among other things about a male’s biological makeup, makes me want to gag. It’s not like putok or the really offensive and sulfuric sort of body odor that won’t go away. This is the kind that informs you that your date just didn’t have the presence of mind or simply did not care enough to shower before meeting up with you. (As an aside: if you, regardless of your gender, don’t mind or actually prefer a little whiff of something ungodly/stale/cheesy, please stop reading now. This argument is irrelevant to your predilections.)

The banality of it all kills me, but I thought men were already aware that they are supposed to keep themselves on the same side of olfactory freshness that they expect from the female population.  Remember the ethic of reciprocity? “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The lack of a man’s sense of preparedness (like those who never have condoms, ugh) or just plain oversight when it comes to cleanliness is so off-putting! It’s selfish and inconsiderate.  When you get that during the first few dates, then you should know what’s coming.

You know how when a guy you just met sits next to you and there’s that insidious, faintly-detectable-on-the-onset lardy smell that wafts underneath your nose and lingers on your upper lip? How unnerving — a surefire way to kill the mood, not to mention a sign of disrespect! Maybe it’s just my bad luck, but there have been some instances where I had to effing bathe a brother or just hold my breath altogether. 

I’ve tried to change guys and their hygiene maintenance routine, but some people are simply set in their ways and will revert to the way in which you first found them: unwashed. I have persevered. I have given it my best. I’m over that. If you come around smelling stale and whatnot, NEXT!

I was in a somewhat serious relationship with this one guy who talked me into giving up my false eyelashes (there is no such thing as over-groomed!), but I don’t know why I ever listened to him when he wouldn’t even brush his teeth before he stepped out to play tennis. I pleaded with him to please disinfect his mouth before interacting with other people, but alas; he decided to continue stinking and we eventually called it quits. Sometimes it simply is not worth it, and I think I deserve a man who thinks that time with me is worth showering for.

My first, second, third, fourth and fifth date regimen (because after that, it’s pretty much already some sort of relationship and you can relax after Steps 1 and 2):

1. Shower. While I’m in there:

I shampoo, wash my face, lather my entire body, rinse, exfoliate every inch of my body to get that glow, shave.

Run my hands up and down every inch of my skin to ensure I’m smooth like honey.

2. Brush and floss my teeth.

3. Moisturize. My face and my body, and attempt to knead my cellulite into oblivion with the special cream my dermatologist gave me.

4. Wax my mustache. I’m only human.

5. Makeup, which takes an hour in itself because I also scroll through my social media feeds every two minutes.

6. Turn my whole apartment upside down in search for that perfect dress I wanted to wear, only to later find it hanging in my closet.

7. Douse myself in perfume.

And all I I’m asking a guy to do is to clean himself.