On a scale of 1 to Adele, how sad are you?

MANILA, Philippines - I have always believed that you can tell how sad a person is by the kind of music he or she is listening to. This is how I know I’m not sad: I’ve been listening to techno. But for those of you who are stricken with the #feels and are not quite sure where you fall on the scale, let this be your guide to navigating your sorrow. Self-awareness is the first step to healing. Denial is so last summer.

1 — Cinematic Sad

When under emotional duress, you find yourself acting out scenes of sadness from films you’ve loved. Or just being sad to music from the soundtracks of said films. Like Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now, the slow version they played in Love Actually, in the scene where Emma Thompson steps into her bedroom to cry because she realizes her husband has been cheating on her with his secretary. “It’s love’s illusions I recall / I didn’t really know love at all.” If you can still picture yourself as the character in a film, then you’re not doing too badly. You are literally just being a drama queen.

• Beck, Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometimes, and I bet Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is on your shortlist of favorite movies, too. (You do know who Beck is, right?)

2 — The Smiths Sad

You’re not actually as sad as you’re trying to convince yourself you are. If you’re crying to I Know It’s Over or any songs remotely like it, what you’re really doing is posturing. The fact that you’re still able to carefully curate your Songs To Sob Brokenly To playlist makes it pretty obvious that you’re not as broken as you’re trying to appear, and besides, no one can see you crying; you don’t score any points for good taste. I know sadness is a good look, but even you know that this is just fast fashion.

•The Cure, Pictures Of You — “I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you / That I almost believe that they’re real.”
Except instead of actual pictures, you’re probably stalking him on social media. You’re going to do this until the next handsome distraction comes along, and it will be soon.

•Billie Holiday, I’m A Fool To Want You — “I’m a fool to want you / To want a love that can’t be true / A love that’s there for others too.” Let me guess: You love the player and hate the game. Also, they used this in a Chanel No. 5 commercial, so even if I can’t see you crying to it, if you’re crying to it, I’m high fiving you.

3 — Robyn Sad

Ah, danceable heartbreak, the greatest genre to ever exist. But if you’re cry-dancing to Dancing On My Own, then chances are good you’re actually doing this somewhere outside your house. That you’re still capable of stepping out and making yourself presentable enough to dance your heart out to this song in a room full of other people (who are likely doing the same) is an indication that you can still function like a normal human being. You’re sad, but you’re not that sad. And look, you’re not actually dancing on your own! A penchant for danceable heartbreak may also indicate that you are well on your way to working out your sorrow. Dancing to Dancing On My Own is kind of like acknowledging that yes, you’re heartbroken, but you’re making yourself literally move on, on the dance floor. When you graduate to Kelly Clarkson’s Since U Been Gone, your journey towards Getting Over Him will be almost complete.

4 — MTV Alternative Nation Sad

If you were too young to witness MTV in its heyday — or to witness MTV at all, come to think of it — Alternative Nation was where they would show music videos you wouldn’t typically see in the regular rotation. The good stuff. MTV Alternative Nation Sad means you’re crying to legitimately depressing songs written by likely critically acclaimed artists that you actually like even when you aren’t sad.

Believe me when I tell you that I have put Radiohead’s Fake Plastic Trees on loop and cried to it until my eyes were so puffy that I resembled those bulgy-eyed goldfish. There’s nothing quite like a song that goes, “If I could be who you wanted” to serve as background music for when you feel like nobody will ever love you (again, if someone has loved you and stopped), but also believe me when I tell you that it’s possible to be even sadder than this.

• Skunk Anansie, Secretly — “You had to do someone else / You should have been by yourself / Instead of here with me / Secretly.”

The perfect song for that douchebag who made you fall in love with him and then wouldn’t break up with his girlfriend for you.

• Fiona Apple, Never Is A Promise — “You say you’ll never let me / Fall from hopes so high  But never is a promise / And you can’t afford to lie.”

Pro Tip: He’s lying to you. They lie.

5 — Sad Bastard Music Sad

You’re crying to stuff that Chris Martin and his ilk probably wrote with the express purpose of making you feel sad. (Hi, The Scientist. “Nobody said it was easy / It’s such a shame for us to part.”) You’re sad, but you’re also a stereotype. Chris Martin has built a fortune on your heartbreak’s ability to drive his pasty ass to No. 1. He’s so vanilla, he married Gwyneth Paltrow. This makes you even sadder.

• Counting Crows, Colorblind

I mean, what is this guy even saying in the lyrics? I sure as hell don’t know, but depressing crooning accompanied by a piano can make one feel so very fragile.

• Damien Rice, Cannonball

Depressing crooning accompanied by a guitar. Same thing.

• Jeff Buckley, Hallelujah

Don’t even pretend you haven’t, you filthy liar.

6 — Sad Indie Bastard Sad

This is close to Sad Bastard Music Sad, just a little more up to date. Also it’s so sincere and so painful and so not making Coldplay bank that being sad to it kicks the realness of your own sorrow up a notch. If you haven’t already heard Bon Iver’s cover of I Can’t Make You Love Me, A) what rock have you been living under? B) Go listen to it now, feel your heart literally fragment in your chest, and then thank (or kill) me later.

• Half of Death Cab for Cutie’s discography, but special mention goes out to Transatlanticism, because “I need you so much closer” is basically something we have all felt for someone else at some point in time, except the distance feels much greater than the Atlantic. The distance spans what feels like the whole universe. Also, the feeling has not always been mutual.

• Broken Social Scene, Anthems For A 17-Year-Old Girl

This song isn’t even about love but it makes you feel so breakable that it might as well be. Also a great song to listen to when you assess your current state after your very first heartbreak and realize that you are an entirely different person from who you used to be before you met him.

• Everything The National has ever recorded, and you should be listening to it with a glass of bourbon in one hand and maybe a cigarette in the other.

7 — Pop Sad

You’re breaking into the upper echelons of aural misery when the sound of Leona Lewis’ Bleeding Love makes you cry instead of cringe. Be afraid. Be very afraid. When even otherwise uplifting pop songs like Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful can draw tears from your eyes, you know it’s getting serious.

• Beyoncé, If I Were A Boy — “If I were a boy / I think I could understand / How it feels to love a girl / I swear I’d be a better man.”

I love you Bey, but if I were a boy, I’d try to pee standing up. And I’d wear pants with pockets that are big enough to actually hold things. Come to think of it, I’d wear pants with actual pockets.

• Taylor Swift, All Too Well — “You call me up again just to break me like a promise / So casually cruel in the name of being honest.”

Maybe we should take our cue from Tay-Tay and transform our heartbreak into record-breaking hits and hohol with Haim? Just a thought.

8 — R&B Sad

Have you ever loved somebody so much, it made you cry? Yes, Brandy, yes. Yes, we have. The difference between Pop Sad and R&B Sad is that Pop Sad can occasionally be positive enough to help you feel a little better, whereas R&B Sad exists solely to remind you that you’re alone, and more often than not they do this in a smooth, velvet croon that makes you want to grab somebody and do bad things. Except you don’t have anybody. Isn’t that why you were sad in the first place?

• Usher, U Got It Bad — “You know you got it bad when you’re stuck in the house / You don’t wanna have fun / It’s all you think about.” Usher, it is raining on my face. Stop it.

• Boyz II Men, Four Seasons of Loneliness — “I long for the warmth of days gone by, when you were mine.” Yeah, let’s not even go there.

• Drake, Take Care — “If you let me, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll take care of you.”  Except he doesn’t want that. Or you.

• Brian McKnight, One Last Cry — “My shattered dreams and broken heart are mending on the shelf / I saw you holding hands / Standing close to someone else.”
Does this even need an explanation? Can you really only have one last cry, though? Let’s be realistic. Also, this song can actually cross over into the next level of sadness…

9 — Karaoke Sad

Karaoke Sad covers three subsets of sadness: OPM Sad, Power Ballad Sad, and Diva Sad. If you’re crying to the kind of song you could be belting at a karaoke joint near you, I suggest you do exactly that. Let all the feelings out into the Magic Sing. Crack out the Céline Dion, Whitney Houston, and Mariah Carey. “Once upon a time, I was falling in love / Now I’m only falling apart” is so you right now. Bring on the Aegis and the Ate Reg.

Congratulations, you’re in the running to be the protagonist in Antoinette Jadaone’s next super hugot film. And if you managed to catch That Thing Called Tadhana in the cinemas earlier this week, before Fifty Shades of Watch Something Better dominated the screens, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. Where do broken hearts go? To the karaokehan. Then to Baguio, apparently.

• Céline Dion, All By Myself — “When I was young / I never needed anyone / And making love was just for fun / Those days are gone.”
Listen to this one with a pint of chocolate ice cream and a box of Kleenex. Then cry more when you realize you’ve just ingested the entirety of your daily calorie allowance.

• Mariah Carey, Against All Odds — “But you coming back to me is against the odds / And that’s what I’ve got to face.”

Happy Hunger Games, the odds are never in your favor. In the Game of Love, you die or you die.

Adele Sad

You have your back against the wall, your arms flung out, and you’re sinking slowly to the ground while listening to Someone Like You. Your eye makeup is running. Girl. You’re walling. And when you finally make it to the floor, you’re going to wrap your arms around yourself because you don’t have someone to do that for you anymore. You are now literally holding yourself together. Barely. “Sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it hurts instead,” and unfortunately for you, it’s the latter. You have my deepest sympathies.

BONUS: Sam Smith Sad

Seek professional help. Immediately.