Gifts I really, really hate receiving

Books like The Secret, The Power and The Magic tell us to be grateful for everything life bestows upon us.  “It’s all good,” “count your blessings” and “‘thank you’ are the two words that can change your life” are familiar refrains in these spiritual-cum-self-help books.

Typhoon Yolanda, in particular, brought home the fact that we who were spared are incredibly fortunate.  We have so much we are willing and able to share, as opposed to those in the Visayas who lost everything.

Let’s pretend for a moment, though, that we live in a Secret-less, Yolanda-free world. Where the literary point of reference is Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, and I’m Ebenezer Scrooge. Though I know it’s the thought that counts, there are certain gifts so thoughtless they make me go “hmmm” or “you know, you really shouldn’t have” instead of “thank you!”

Here are the main offenders:

1. Obvious re-gifts – Some re-gifts are so skillfully packaged you would never be able to tell, but sometimes a re-gifter will make such an egregious slipup you would swear they were drunk on eggnog while making their Christmas list. Case in point: one Christmas I received a very expensive, Montblanc-quality pen from a “friend.” Too bad that before I could start to caper around the room in glee, I spotted that “friend’s” name engraved on it.

2. Fake designer goods – Buying counterfeits is a bad idea in general, but must you inflict your poor, misguided judgment on unsuspecting giftees? They will be able to tell, too, because even if the right label is splashed prominently across the item, the quality of the workmanship or lack of matching designer packaging will be dead giveaways. I would rather receive something well made sans designer label than a logo-covered fake. But that’s just me.

3. A donation made in your name – We’ll probably get a rash of these this year and with good reason, but before you get all uppity about how donating on my behalf could be anything other than noble and gratefully received, consider this: shouldn’t I have asked for it first? Maybe I’d like to pick my own charity and beneficiaries. Maybe I’d also like to see proof from the organization you donated to, not just a fishy-looking homemade card that says, “We donated something in your name to so-and-so.”

4. Useless trinkets – Paperweights, key chains, plastic tchotchkes, kitschy décor and cheaply made items that break within five minutes all fall under this category. Instead of adding to the clutter in my house and increasing future landfill, do save your money or please make a donation in my name to a reputable organization aiding Yolanda victims. Thank you.

5. Questionable clothing – Call me old-fashioned, but I think clothes are such a personal matter of taste and size that to give them as gifts is to risk failure, unless you’re intimately acquainted, or the recipient specifically pointed to the garment in question and stated, “I want that fringed monstrosity in a size 16.” Sure, the store can always enclose a gift receipt in case the size isn’t right, but I’m so lazy I would rather donate clothes that don’t fit instead of going to the store and exchanging it after Christmas.

I also know someone who likes giving “pre-loved,” a.k.a. ukay clothes to friends, and while it’s true you can find some cool, hipster-ish stuff at ukay-ukays, please do wash your flea-market find first before giving your loved one the added gift of an allergy attack.

6. Foods that spoil easily – In our current foodie climate comestibles would seem to be the perfect gift — I mean, everyone needs to eat, right? But unless your edible gift is delivered in a timely fashion, make sure it doesn’t require special storage or refrigeration, otherwise that person you’re trying to impress might eagerly rip off the box lid to find moldy pastries or melted chocolate.

7. Fruitcake – At the other end of the “foods that spoil easily” spectrum are “foods that will last well after the apocalypse.” Fruitcake, drenched in enough liquor to preserve both Vladimir Lenin and Boris Yeltsin, belongs to the latter group. I know, I know, there are some well-made, delicious fruitcakes out there, and I even have a friend who loves to receive them. You can forward my fruitcake quota along to him, however. Though the Eraserheads seem to think “There’s a fruitcake for everybody,” I don’t think there’s one made for me. Bah, humbug!

* * *

Follow me on Instagram@tj108_drummergirl.