How to make the most out of your spa day

Chill like an Olympian: Olympians demand the best when it comes to post-training massage.

Part of not letting yourself go is having other people do the job itself. Who but your hair color expert can put highlights all over the head, creating that halo effect — whether you deserve it or not? Who but one’s masseuse can smooth out the knots in your shoulders and do that ever-so-relieving karate chop to your lower back? Who but the deft manicurist can paint one’s nails perfectly and not make it look like one dipped their hands in a can of paint?

Humans are notorious for behaving badly. Yet one forgets all the mistakes a human can make the moment one steps into a salon or spa. Here, one believes that man is infallible. This is where the cookie crumbles.

It is in these hallowed places where hair driers cut out most of the banal conversations about unrepentant husbands or the lack thereof or one is silenced by music that belongs in pyramids, or almost knocking everyone out with the noxious amount of lemongrass oil in a wrought iron oil burner. It’s an escape from the world — one hopes to come out feeling better about oneself and having that extra spring in one’s step once the session is over.

This is the ideal situation. 

Then one finds one’s self in their birthday suit, when instead of feeling relief from the firework display from all the shoulder knots being crushed, one instead feels like a chicken breast being pounded flat. There is that claustrophobic feeling of being trapped and angry. But what can you do? There is suffering for the next 60 minutes, waiting in vain for a knot to somehow unfurl.

There’s a side where one feels guilty because massages and beauty treatments are a luxury. There’s almost something very archaic about it. One feels like a goon for bratting out after one gets clubbed like a baby seal on a massage table, so silence is chosen. Integrity and a fistful of cash dissolve along with the aroma of the lemongrass oil.

Here are some tips on reclaiming one’s beauty rights:

1. Always remember you are getting a professional service. This is not a slumber party. These people went to school to learn how to make your hair brighter, your teeth whiter and your shoulders more agile. This is not like your best friend icing your earlobe before jamming an earring through it. Everything should be done accordingly. It’s like expecting an accountant to know how to add. You should expect your beauty care specialist to know what they’re doing.

2. If you’re stuck in a bad massage I suggest you test the waters before diving in. After years of just suffering in silence while a bad masseuse would play Pictionary on my back, I decided that it would be wise to try out the therapist before committing to 60 minutes of “us” time. I usually ask them to rub my shoulder for a bit and see if they can hit pressure points and deftly crush the nodules. You can do this for three minutes. It’s like speed dating but with massage therapists. Any good spa should grant this reasonable request. If you get a massage that you really enjoyed, then get the therapist’s name and keep it close to your heart.

3. For those at-home massages, they are cheap for a reason: you don’t know what you’re going to get. So in this case it’s either you cut your session short or just suck it up. Again, remember the name of the offending therapist and try to make sure that you don’t book her for your next session.

4. There are services that you should get full refund on should the shit hit the fan. The common disasters would be a bad haircut or coloring job. While it may be hard to fix a mullet when you asked for a shag, color work should be relatively easy to fix by dying your hair back into its natural tone. Try to, of course, fix this scandal a day or two after so your hair doesn’t get the case of the Law and Order SVUs. A good salon should throw in a hair treatment to make sure the dyed tresses remain healthy. As for perms, nothing good ever comes out of it. So don’t blame anyone but yourself if you elect to get this treatment.

5. For nail work, make sure everything is sterilized. To really be sure, bring your own set of tools to avoid infections and fungus. If they screw up, make it known. You should tell them in advance regarding your views on cuticles, overgrown nails and buffing. Good nail salons also give free touch-up jobs the first few days after the session.

6. If a wax job burns you, you should really know not to fish for your wallet in your purse. While you cannot turn back time, you have your future in control. Meaning: don’t go back to that salon again.

7. Eyebrow jobs are tricky. If they screw it up you will look like a serial killer for a while. So you really need to go to a trusted place, not just some random salon. Browhaus is amazing for this. I went to Benefit and they jacked my brows, quite unapologetically. There was nothing that I could do about it but to grow it out.

8. Makeup jobs require your 100-percent approval. If you are not happy wash it off and ask your artist to start all over again. Try not to cry or do something offensive. A good artist will respect your taste, a bad one will re-do it and then backstab you. You need to respect yourself and not go to that wedding or ball looking like a Sesame Street character.

9. Try to stay away from exotic services like professional ear cleaning. That’s just trouble right there.

10. Do tip well if you’re happy with the service. Twenty percent is the deal. Also, never forget the person who washes your hair.