The long and short of hair repair

For most of my adult life, I have had short hair. It was easy considering how lazy I can be. Wash and hair wax and go.

Life should be simple but it really isn’t. Catharsis came when my free-and-easy pixie cut and I went to a club and realized we had some gender issues. There I was dancing, in the best way I could without looking like I was having a seizure, when a gay guy came up to me. Fag hag time! Or at least I thought. The guy started grinding up to me and then in a moment of eureka he turned around in horror: ”You’re a girl?!”

Time to grow the hair.

I have accepted that I will always have the body of a 10-year-old boy and the sense of humor of a six-year-old. Something in this mortal coil had to be shucked. The one with the least opinions was my hair.

So, over the next five years I grew my hair to a bob, then a shag, then a shaggy bob, then extensions because I’m a cheater! Until one day the tresses came grazing easily on to my shoulders and — lo and behold — I was a girl!

There were many problems with this new look. Primarily, I didn’t know what to do with it. It was like a crying baby. This long-earned long hair of mine was always susshed in a bun or high ponytail. Then something worse started to happen. However juvenile all my hardware was, my hair started falling like I was in my fabulous 50s.

It came down hard. In clumps. On my pillowcase. My brush, my shower, my clothes and even my dogs would shed my hair with their own hair. I was in a panic. I trawled the Internet for answers.

Here were some gems:

1. No hope. Only a face-d

isfiguring hair transplant would do.

2. Stress and heartbreak. It’s the body’s way of letting go. Also putting it in a ponytail kills it.

3. Shampoo builds up. You can fix it by running a Clairsonic brush over your scalp.

Totally mental.

I decided that my cheap-ass shampoo, which many beauty bibles would say didn’t really matter, was filled with detergent — enough to clean toilets in malls — and sulphate. I ditched it, and without finding any solution, I went back to baby shampoo. All those shampoos that promise to fix “hair fall”? Maybe it’s me, but the hair just kept on clumping and rebelling.

The baby shampoo seemed to work. I was too paranoid to brush my hair so I mastered the beach babe look… during winter. Needless to say, I looked crazy and demented with tousled hair against my fur. In all this madness I found a great formula that I still follow today. Water and sea salt in a mist bottle. I sprayed the thing all over my damp hair and did some flips and when my hair was standing like a soldier I blasted it with hairspray. Real good stuff.

So when I really did decide I needed to face the truth and brush my hair, my BFF Jo in London taught me how to do it. Get a half-boar, half-bristle brush and swipe over your dry hair. One hundred times, Granny Goose style. I did it and my hair shone for the first time that year. Then, while you’re surfing online or watching TV, whack that brush all over your head. It stimulates the scalp.

It’s day 200 since the Niagara Falls, and here are some basics on falling hair:

1. Baby shampoo rocks.

2. No tight hairstyles for everyday wear.

3. Give your scalp a good massage when you’re showering. And when you think all the muck is gone keep your head in the water for 60 more seconds.

4. Put a water-softening device in your shower if you are washing with hard water. Whatever that is.

5. Brush only when dry. Plus the

100 times bit. It’s been tried and tested by cynical me. Use a half-boar/half-bristle brush for this.

Well, it looks like I’m saved from Mr. Clean Land. I’m not going to take my good fortune for granted. Like a crying baby, I’m going to make sure it grows into something sweet.

Hair To Stay: Products To Improve Your Hair

Goody elastics: It’s covered in fabric so it won’t pull the hair off.

Kerastase Elixir Ultime: You put it on before shampooing and you don’t really need conditioner after. Hair feels strong and loved.

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo: Word.

Elnett Satin Hairspray: The kindest hairstyling product I know.

Khiel’s Crème de Corps lotion: For flyaway hair.

Maxi Hair vitamins: I’ve tried loads of vitamins that are targeted for maximum hair health. This seems to do the job too well! It’s loaded with loving Biotene. My hair is now strong and can withstand a french braid without seeking for asylum after.

Bench Fix Hair Gel: It’s alcohol-free and total bang for your buck.