Emmy Red Carpet Report: Emmys bored games

Was the Emmys red carpet all about Gwyneth Paltrow?

The blond star, who wore a midriff-baring elaborately-embellished Pucci gown, noted that she was two awards shy of the EGOT — the Grand Slam equivalent of the Emmy/Grammy/Oscar/Tony awards. “I’m missing a few,” she remarked coyly on the Grammy and Tony statues still absent from her living room mantel. But we like to think that she was joking.

This year, Gwyneth Paltrow proved she has a sense of humor — demonstrated by her gruesome death in the Soderbergh flick Contagion, her willingness to camp it up on Glee, which earned her an Emmy, and her tweets, as E! red carpet host Ryan Seacrest discovered while researching her Twitter feed. “Who do I have to bang to get a copy of the new Coldplay album?” Paltrow declared on Twitter. Which is funny for two reasons: 1) Coldplay lead Chris Martin is her husband; and 2) No one cares about Coldplay anymore. Hahaha. Good one, Paltrow.

The red carpet was packed with plenty of celebs in clothes that failed to excite interest. Modern Family’s Julie Bowen, who snared an Emmy for her role in the comedy, looked skinnier than a manta ray on the Cohen Diet, while Kate Winslet skated by in a passable gown (while still looking luminous).

Perhaps the oddest ensembles, aside from the Glee cast members who looked like they went shopping in the costume department of a straight-to-video ’90s flick, was Paula Abdul’s, who appears to get her style advice from a late-blooming teen straight out of a Flashdance remake, and Bridesmaids auteur and SNL heavyweight Kristen Wiig, who looked like she was channeling certain female body parts.

Gwyneth Paltrow

CELINE: Hate her all you want but she never fails when it comes to the red carpet.

BEA: The midriff is the new cleavage. You heard it here first.

Kate Winslet

CELINE: A little safe and a lot boring.

BEA: Chairman of the bored. When you’ve been to this many awards shows, it’s like dressing up for a midnight run at McDonald’s.

Claire Danes

C: Glamour looks good on her.

B: The Ritchie Sambora eye makeup frightens me a little but the metallic strapless gown is a nice change for the usually minimalist Danes.

Julianna Margulies

C: The Good Wife goes rent-a-bride.

B: Best use of aquarium pebbles goes to Margulies.

Kristen Wiig

C: Designers: Now inspired by the vulva.

B: From Bridesmaids to maid of horror. You can do better, Wiig!

Martha Plimpton

C: Now this is how you do red on the red carpet.

B: Classiest act this side of the red carpet. Show ’em how it’s done, Plimpton.

Christina Hendricks

C: Old Hollywood and with boobs from that era to match.

B: Nice touch displaying her golden globes at the Emmys.

Heidi Klum

C: Looks like a Project Runway “auf wiedersehen” outfit.

B: Recycling loofahs is all the rage in Germany, I hear.

Evan Rachel Wood

C: Nice to see she’s done with her Dita Von Teese phase.

B: She’s dressing for the heavyweights — serious shows, like the Oscars… or Breaking Bad.

Emily Blunt

C: John Krasinski lucked out.

B: Slumming it at the Emmys!

Heather Morris

C: Nothing slow about her daring fashion sense.

B: Ug-Glee.

Lea Michele

C: Red is dead when it comes to this dress.

B: I don’t think she’d recognize an interesting dress if it body-slammed her on the Glee sound stage.

Katie Holmes

C: A great blue and a bad belt. Why?

B: Somewhere, Suri is banging her head on a desk and looking for adoption papers.