Bloodshed on the VMAs red carpet

Though this year’s no-host VMAs has distinguished itself as the highest-rated in the history of the network (which shocks us to the core — were we the only ones left standing when LC quit The Hills? Or when a then-unknown overtanned bunch took over a certain Shore?), most people will simply remember Gaga in drag and the debut of Babyoncé.

Gaga’s decision to play it drag in a Brooks Brothers suit and a Uniqlo shirt — and stay in the same outfit throughout telecast as Joe Calderone — left viewers scratching their heads. Think of the outfits she missed out on! The remaining meat products she could’ve worn in an homage to last year’s PETA-condemned ensemble. With Gaga in somber drag, that left the red carpet wide open for anyone to steal Gaga’s crown. Check out the nominees for craziest in show.

Beyoncé

Bea: I expected more from Bey than this tasteful Lanvin dress. I augured visions of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s baby emerging from the womb in fishnets, a spangled body suit and a full-on Tina Turner fro, warbling Bootylicious while nearby medical staff snapped their fingers in tune. Instead, we get this — classic, tasteful, Lanvin. You’re at the VMAs, girl. One bodyguard-patroled step from the Jersey Shore crew. Now is not the time to class things up.

Celine: This is her “I am already a legend” outfit. The young Aretha look.

Justine Bieber

BEA: I like how Ellen is taking more chances with her stylist now.

CELINE: He’s really pushing for that homeboy look. Justin, you are white.

Snooki

B: Visual sartorial evidence that firecrotch can be applied to more than flame-hued underparts, or a worrisome itching down there. It can be a dress, too.

C: Considering everything, she’s actually come a long way from Jersey to… Atlantic City!

Jessie J

B: Beyonce’s baby, can you handle this?

C: Her foot tried to run away from this outfit and failed miserably.

Katy Perry

B: Consider me a fan. Even Atelier Versace is drinking    Perry’s Lisa Frank-ish brand of Kool-Aid.

C: I like it so much that I think scandal    becomes her.

Kelly Rowland

B: “Yes,” Kelly thought to herself while dressing up pre-show, “maybe these feathers and gold things will make people notice me more than Beyoncé for once.” Then Beyoncé shows up in an

understated caftan and announces her impending motherhood.

C: That dress need a Brazilian wax ASAP.

Miley Cyrus

B: Strange but I’m pretty sure they already cast the role of 50-year-old matriarch in the new Dallas remake.

C: She’s screaming “Take me seriously.” Seriously like J.Lo in her Ben Affleck days. 

Katie Cruise

B: Suri could do better — blindfolded. In a rainstorm.

C: Well, someone is trying to reinvent herself. She looked better as a valium wife. That is saying a lot. And those boots!

Zoe Saldana

B: Love the dress, girl, but you need to eat a cheeseburger with those salads.

C: The Avatar of chic.

Selena Gomez

B: I can only applaud anything that in any way resembles Elvira. (Kids, start googling).

C: As the older woman, she will be the Rachel Evan Wood to Justin’s Marilyn Manson. I will look forward to that transformation!

Britney

B: We love you, B! Now let go of the mid-calf boat-shaped vinyl booties with the weird peep-toe.

C: She and Katie Holmes can have a talk about those boots!

Adele

B: A little church-y for the VMAs, but — no bones about it — girlfriend is gorgeous. Beauty doesn’t just come in a size two.

C: She looks like someone’s alcoholic mother who still dreams of the day she became prom queen. A sad look for a young woman of 22!

Demi Lovato

B: Overtanned skin, Vegas-y cleavage-displaying dress — all signs point to the Amanda Bynes virus spreading.

C: She has perfected the Charlie Sheen Goddess look.