Scary new denim trends

MANILA, Philippines - I keep dreaming of this mutant baby — a grotesque alien that’s combined the worst of mankind’s qualities. It’s so horrific, it can instantly transform a statuesque model type into some kind of tacky chav figure.

This mutant strain, dubbed jeggings, is a strange amalgam of jeans and leggings. Imagine the tight, muff-baring, camel-toe-making qualities of leggings melded with stretchy pants. Topshop’s bestowed the hybrid with an honorific — they call it treggings (trouser leggings, I’m guessing) — making the cotton, polyester, and spandex faux skinny jeans perhaps the most outre merch in their store.

Yes, it is literally your mom’s worst nightmare come true.

Meanwhile Katie Holmes, who turned hubby Tom’s jeans into the latest trend in pegged boyfriend trousers, has struck again — this time pairing cropped cuffed denims with leggings.

One can only wonder at the machinations behind Holmes’ latest denim shenanigan. Did she slip on the cuffed denim trousers, weirdly abbreviated like some kind of aborted capri pants, and think, no wait, this doesn’t look quite that ridiculous. On the Lindsay Lohan scale of crazy these babies don’t even merit sartorial handcuffs. So she heads back to what I imagine is a closet triple the size of my room, lined with Lanvin and Armani and YSL (don’t deny it, girl, I’ve seen you wearing those dresses), and picks out a pair of ratty leggings from the Lindsay Lohan collection and layers them underneath her shorts all the while rubbing her hands with a maniacal glint in her eye while whispering “This will make their heads hurt.”

Mission accomplished, Katie. My head is hurting. — BL