MANILA, Philippines - There’s no arguing about it: prom is the most important moment in a young girl’s life. (Never mind getting good grades, graduating, making your parents proud, etc.) For a night that lasts for about three hours max, most girls will spend at least a year planning it all out. But after all the scheming and dreaming, does it all add up to what you hoped for? Maybe. Before the prom night dawns, here’s a paper doll guide to help you plan out the basic bitch prom of your dreams. Because with a night like this, it’s important to be cut above the rest, but to look exactly the same as everyone else.
1. The overpriced designer dress
The best way to clear the hotel driveway once you get out of the car is to come in a dress made to slay. Money is no object when you’re vying for prom queen, so a trip to Dubai to fit your Michael Cinco gown is not an extravagance; it’s a basic human right. Do they expect to come in something by your mom’s modista or — God forbid — an RTW dress??? From a department store??? What kind of sick world is this?
2. A smartphone
It’s one of the few times you can legally bring a phone to school, besides the school fair. For one night, there’ll be no need to hide that iPhone in your bra or within the seams of your necktie. (Too bad you can’t pretend that you’re a cup size bigger than what you really are.) Show off that iPhone 6 and make VSCO your bitch; prom may feel more awkward than getting leg-humped by a maltipoo, but there’s no need for the world to know that. These days, #prom #bestnightever seem appropriate even when you’re clearly not having the time of your life.
3. A clutch
Requirements of a prom clutch: small enough to forget about, but big enough to pack the essentials. The essentials may or may not include birth control, but do you really want to be poppin’ cherries after a meal of sub-par catered food? Don’t be a cliché, honey, even if you really are one.
4. A hip flask
Look at you, all badass. A school-sanctioned prom means a teetotal event, but that doesn’t stop rebels like you from spiking the punch. When you show it off to your friends, you bask in the glow of their admiration. Even more so when you tell them that you’re going out after the prom — pretending to be drunk at Privé or Aracama are definitely on any cool girl’s post-prom itinerary. Like, who goes home right after prom? Losers, that’s who.
5. Breath mints
You may be rebel without a cause, but you’d still like to graduate. You’ve heard of the upperclassmen who got suspended for making out at the photo booth in matching gowns, so you’d still like to err on the side of caution. For every swig of that flask, you pop a breath mint, too. You secretly hate yourself for letting your fear rule you, because it means you’re no Regina George. You’re just a lowly Gretchen Wieners.
6. A cute date
If your school is co-ed, your date can’t be a total nerd, and if not, he has to come from a fancy all-boys school. (If you don’t know what those are, then you’re dead.) He has to wear a nice suit and hold your waist as you pose for that dreaded but coveted prom photo, and not mind that you’re gonna ignore him for the rest of the night. Really, he’s just an oversize accessory. Because if you dare to show up with someone who looks like swamp trash, don’t even bother going to school the Monday after.
7. Boutonniere
It’s the least you can do to make your date feel like he’s part of your special night. But really, it’s all about you. Muchas gracias for wearing a tie to match the dress, but what is the point of him, even?
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Disclaimer: We think our readers are smart. But to irregular readers of Young STAR, please know that this piece is a work of satire.