Days of future sequels

Welcome to the apocalypse. This is the world we live in now. One ruled not by gods or the devil, but something far worse: Hollywood sequels. With each new year comes a new swarm of blockbuster part twos and prequels. In the last few months alone, we were witnesses to Captain America: The Winder Soldier, the ironically named The Amazing Spider-Man 2, yet another mutant movie in X-Men: Days of Future Past, and waiting in the wings, Transformers 4: Age of Extinction.  As bad as things have gotten there has still been no way of stopping this plague. Most  if not all the sequels are worse than the one that came before (although we particularly loved The Winter Solider). Movie franchises of the last decade have become a pop-culture hydra. Try to kill one and two more take its place. So in our attempt to understand this phenomenon, we uncovered something even far more shocking: the plots of the next chapters of the biggest movie franchises of this generation. We culled the best we could get and for the first time ever we break/spoil the upcoming sequels of Hollywood’s biggest movies.

The Amazing Spider-Man 3

Because nothing can stop Sony’s biggest hit since the Walkman, Peter Parker returns even douchier than ever, with more random emotional swings than he has enemies. In this latest chapter, Harry Osborn is back and has recruited new and past baddies to bring the hurt to Spider-Man. One who particularly stands out is a villain completely new to the canon of Spider-Man, the bad guy known as Logic. This new menace will try and eliminate all needless scenes and absurd plot twists from The Amazing Spider-Man as he battles the wall-crawler with something called “narrative structure.” Since this is The Amazing Spider-Man we’re talking about, Logic will lose and ignorant movie producers will win yet again.

Hunger Games: MockingJLaw

If you thought the beloved series ends with Mockingjay, Hollywood executives have another thing in mind. After Katniss Everdeen succeeds in beating the Capital, she becomes an instant Internet icon and pop-culture darling. She’ll win all sorts of awards, occasionally tripping in the process. She’ll also become a talk-show’s dream with viewers waiting with baited breath for her next weird anecdote and zany one-liner. Eventually Katniss cuts her hair, which then causes all the districts to revolt once more in shock and anger. The movie picks up in its second act when Katniss encounters an adversary who’s even cooler and younger than she is and with a name even harder to pronounce. Spoiler alert, it isn’t Shailene Woodley.

Transformers 5: Revenge of the Fallen

Wait, wasn’t Revenge of the Fallen already a Transformers movie? Well that’s precisely the plot of the latest changing robots “film” as the once beloved Shia LeBeouf returns to plagiarize — we mean recreate — the whole Transformers saga! The most shocking part of this sequel is that instead of state of the art Hollywood special effects, all the 3D and computer-generated robots will be replaced by a brown paper bag. The final twist of the movie involves Optimus Prime apologizing to the audience that this was all a misunderstanding, that he never intended to copy another man’s work, and that he isn’t famous anymore. Also: Four hours of robot sex.

X-Men: No More Mutants(The Musical)

Sadly this isn’t based on anything from comic books but is in fact an acceptance that there really are no new mutants to put in this movie. The franchise has done the impossible and showed every mutant ever (twice even) and is in danger of just rebooting again. Hugh Jackman, in his 20th portrayal as Wolverine, attempts to fix this and looks for new mutants to join him, even going back further down history to 1815 France! This catches the eye of an unrelenting French policeman with a really hard Australian accent and a penchant for awful singing. As the two eventually face-off in its climax, blood will be shed, lives will be lost, and an unreasonable amount of songs will be sung.

Fast & Furious: Look Who’s Talking Too!

In an unexpected turn of events, the latest installment of the box-office franchise will revolve around Dom and the gang turning into babies as they quest to end the crisis in the Ukraine. We have no idea what happens next as that was the only thing mentioned about this newest sequel. We should point out that this was written on a piece of toilet paper with a Carnation Pink Crayola, signed by Vin Diesel. Questions aside, we’re betting big money on this to be one of the greatest films ever made and being up there in the pantheon of cinema along with Casablanca, Citizen Kane, and the Entourage movie.