Costume crisis: Seven Halloween outfits people should avoid

Halloween is serious business. On a good year, I’ll already be conceptualizing a costume as early as August, especially if it’s outfit-reliant. (See: Mystique, X-Men: First Class edition, Halloween 2011.) On not-so-good years (i.e. too broke, too busy), I still make sure not to half-ass Halloween by compensating with makeup. (See: Roy Lichtenstein pop art comic book girl, 2009. Skull makeup, 2012.) I’ll come up with something even if I don’t have any concrete party plans. It’s not hard to find a party; I just really love any excuse to wear a costume because I missed the cosplay boat when I was a 12-year-old anime nerd. But I digress.

Who hasn’t gone out on All Hallow’s Eve and not spotted a costume that made them go “Wow, that’s amazing?” But for every incredibly clever and well-executed Halloween costume you see, you’ll see 10 more that are totally meh. Come on, it’s one day in the year. Let’s make it awesome. Don’t be the meh. Here’s what I personally wish people would avoid:


1. Going as a couple, but not going in complementary costumes. Now, this is totally fine if you’re planning to hit up a Halloween party with your significant other but have no intention of interfering with each other’s costume ideas. You can go as Jessica Rabbitt, he can go as Iron Man, whatever. Do your thing. Halloween is the time to unleash your secret cosplay dreams. (Admit it, you have them, too.) But if you guys are conceptualizing Halloween costumes together anyway, why not come up with something that actually makes thematic sense to begin with? For example: Belle and Gaston, logical. (What? They’re from the same Disney flick, and who wants to go as the Beast?) Aladdin and Pocahontas, what the hell? (Tentative true story from a friend who I’m pretty sure is secretly just looking for an excuse to show off his abs in a purple vest. Aminin!)

You people with significant others have a golden opportunity to come up with something really cool, and costumes make twice the visual impact when they come in pairs. Go for it.

2. Wearing ears (or horns, or some form of headgear) and calling it a costume. Who do you think you are? Karen Smith from Mean Girls? You’re not a mouse, you’re just really, really lazy. Duh. (Unless you’re going as Karen Smith from Mean Girls.)

3. Going as someone without a distinct costume or identifying feature. Oh, I’m sorry, you were supposed to be Angelina Jolie? I couldn’t tell, because you look nothing like Angelina Jolie. Halloween is one occasion when it’s better to be obvious.

4. Incorporating something bulky into your costume if you’re planning to go to a packed party. Many bulky costumes are clever and/or creative in theory (I saw a Han Solo-on-a-tauntaun suit on the Internet that was amazing) and almost always look fantastic, but consider whatever it is you’re attending, too. Going to a club with likely half of Manila? Do you really want to be navigating a crowd dressed as Doc Ock with your fake arms knocking into other people — and other people’s drinks? Huge hassle, unless you’re planning to stand in a corner all night. Looking awesome, maybe, but probably missing out on all the action.

5. Sexifying things that were never intended to be sexy. I’ve come to accept that every other girl is going to be a sexy something-or-the-other on Halloween. After all, “In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it”. But please, please, can we lay off sexualizing the stuff we grew up with? That Sexy Elmo costume is a bad idea. (I swear, Tickle-Me-Elmo popped into my head as something wildly inappropriate to translate into a Halloween costume, and I wondered if a Sexy Elmo costume already existed, and it exists.) Who the hell sees a kids’ show and thinks “Hey, that has the potential to be really, really hot?”

6. Anything to do with your nether regions (that isn’t inspired by the Dick in a Box sketch from SNL). Dudes. Come on. Let’s keep it classy. We admit that abs are very, very welcome if you have them (we are only human), but no one wants to see the D, or anything referring to the D. No one.

7. Not wearing a costume at all. Why did you even bother going out on Halloween, of all nights? Do any of the previous six items mentioned above for all we care, just do something.

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What’s the best Halloween costume you’ve ever seen? Tweet me @vivatregina.