The UAAP hottie awards

As someone who openly admits to being sports-handicapped, I really have no interest in the recently concluded basketball season of University Athletic Association of the Philippines, also known as the UAAP, and more known as one of the few things that actually make local sports mildly interesting. Rebounds? Shooting averages? Overtime? Oh, god.

But while talking about basketball, the so-called “everyman’s sport”, is probably the only way for you to effectively shut me up, I cannot stress enough that I am an expert, a passionate connoisseur, and an honorary PhD holder of the male form. And UAAP basketball players? Please, I can devote a whole class just on them.

I figured that amid all the in-depth analysis of the season that crowned the De La Salle University (DLSU) Green Archers as the champion against the University of Santo Tomas (UST) Growling Tigers, it’s high time we let the real games begin, in which I crown the victors of the final game’s genetic lottery.

Let’s start off the awards with Jeron and Jeric Teng, siblings who play for DLSU and UST, respectively, who are the winners for Best On-Court Drama. Two brothers, raised together, are forced to test the will of their bond where only one can prevail. Will their fraternal connection endure the pain? Is it possible for one family to have two super hot sons? Apparently, it is.

I’d like to thank the Teng brothers for adding a veil of drama to an already exciting game; it must’ve been pure hell to be a Teng that day, not really knowing whether to be happy or not. But I’m sure that these boys sent female hearts aflutter when Jeric heartily congratulated his younger brother Jeron for DLSU’s victory, and Jeron announced that his kuya deserved to be the season’s MVP. Like, seriously. Stop being adorable, you two.

Personally, though, my pick for MVP is not Jeric, but his up-and-coming teammate, small forward Kim Lo. I don’t mean to commend him on his basketball skills—I’m sure they’re great, but I sincerely wouldn’t know if they are—but because Kim, with his unassuming chinito features, strikes me as a guy who will do whatever is possible to win a girl’s heart. If you can’t give an award for that, then every other award ceases to matter.

Call me crazy, but I picture Kim being one of those broody, quiet types at the back of the classroom, who will never admit to struggling with first-year Algebra but will approach you to explain what the difference of two squares are. He’s the best friend that you will fall in love with, bring home to mom, and cheer on as he plays for the big leagues.

Kim may not be be the type to watch German art house films with you or if reading Simone de Beauvoir in his underthings is his idea of romantic, but even if the well is not as deep as you’d like, try to look at his eyes (try being the operative word, because he is frigging tall) and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

Moving on from sweet, boy-next-door types, I’d like to bring up the bone I’d like to pick with DLSU’s Arnold Van Opstal, who I have given this season’s special award: The Technical Foul. There I was, the other day, living a life of Van Opstal-free bliss when Facebook assaults me with a photo of AVO (as his ardent fans call him) during the final game, wiping his sweaty face with his even sweatier jersey.

I don’t even know what Van Opstal was thinking when he did this? Was he aware of the systematic meltdown he has caused in more than half of the people who saw him do this? Did he know that his arms will result in a string of manic Google searches to find out if he is indeed as god-like as that photo? (Spoiler alert: yes.)

I’ve come to the conclusion that Van Opstal is the Montague to my Capulet: our short-lived romance will likely result in my death. Not of poison, though, as his abs will probably kill me first.

I suppose they are right to call basketball “the everyman’s sport”, because they do have a little bit to offer to everyone, even a sport dingbat such as I. Of course, what I love about basketball doesn’t have much to do with basketball itself, so I’m not sure if it actually counts.

Oh, and if you are a UAAP player that did not win any these flawed and totally biased awards, please don’t take it personally. In my eyes, everyone’s a winner—but only if you’re single.