Fighting the mean gene

For a good part of my teenage years, I wore braces.

Contrary to popular belief, braces are not fun dental accessories. They’re cumbersome, uncomfortable, and when I was unlucky enough to earn a trip to the dentist, downright painful.

I still braved this awful brace-face period, though, because I was told that when the damn things came off, I’d emerge as a beautiful swan (but this dream remains as elusive as my Hogwarts letter). To add insult to emotional injury, I also wore prescription glasses — so you can only imagine what a hottie I was at 16 years old.

But seriously, while some people can pull it off, braces and glasses were just not a good look for me. While I couldn’t forget this little fact whenever I looked into a mirror, I certainly did not enjoy being reminded of it by other people. Which, of course, is what some people did. Constantly.

I have an aunt who lived in the States for a few years and whenever she came over for a visit, she never failed to tell me that I look like Ugly Betty. At first I thought it wasn’t so bad because America Ferrera (the actress who plays Betty on the show) is a beautiful woman and Betty is actually an intelligent and clever character. However, this aunt of mine did not fail to clarify that my Betty-ness resided in my braces, glasses, and my appalling body mass index.

Perhaps my aunt wasn’t deliberately being mean to me, but that doesn’t make it very nice, does it? When someone goes out of their way to deliver a specific insult, there’s nothing else to say except, “Thanks, I guess you kinda suck, too.”

But of course, this isn’t a mouthy teenage comedy starring Emma Stone. This is real life, where young people regularly find themselves sandwiched by meanness without knowing how to react to them.

Thing is, this becomes a problem because I’ve learned that mean people are everywhere. They’re at home, in school, in the workplace, in the mall, on the Internet, and even in your Sunday service.

It’s easy to point some of them out because no one else turns on the bitch switch like they do; other times, you find yourself wondering if they genuinely think you look skinny from a certain angle or they were just throwing some serious shade (that’s the new term for a backhanded compliment, to anyone above the age of 40).

Personally, I’ve had my fair share of meanness to last me a lifetime. I’ve dealt with catty high schools, insane co-workers, and rude sales ladies who insist that everything in the store is out of stock. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen them all.

But let me tell you, it never gets harder than when someone older is being mean to you. I get so frustrated whenever this happens because a) it’s so childish, and b) we put such a premium on respecting our elders that we can never say anything back without sounding like a jerk, even though their complete disregard for our feelings clearly shows a lack of respect for us.

I get particularly irked at tactless family members who tease you for being fat, unemployed, or single. Or all of the above. They claim that it’s only their own messed-up way of being affectionate, because “hearing I’m a single, unemployed tub of lard makes me feel so loved and cared for,” said no one ever.

Whenever that happens to me, I make a particular effort to shut out people who tell me I’m being petty. First of all, there is nothing petty about recognizing meanness. Sure, reacting to such meanness by burning someone’s house down is petty, but acknowledging it as something that upsets me, I think, is perfectly justified.

I’ve often found myself wondering how to react to mean people, because I don’t want to stoop to their level and throw an equally cheap shot at their own character flaws. If you ask me, the best way to go is to remind yourself that being nice doesn’t mean allowing yourself to take their crap.

If need be, let them know how it makes you feel. Set that person aside and privately inform them by saying something like, “I know you didn’t intend to be mean when you called me a gap-toothed byotch, but I would appreciate it if you didn’t call me that again.”

It’s direct, professional and constructive. Anyone who doesn’t hear out what you have to say clearly needs an emotional intelligence check-up. If that happens, just be sly and throw some equally scathing shade of your own.

I agree that this isn’t the most conventional advice in the world, but from my personal experience, this works. (Don’t take my word for it, though. If my family and friends are to be believed, I’m kind of a hot mess.) In fact, I think that it doesn’t show meanness at all; it just proves that you are a badass that no one should be trifling with.

While I now no longer take any personal offense against my aunt’s teasing, I realized that it took me years to outgrow the painful insecurities of being called ugly. In fact, that’s probably the least scathing of all the awful things I’ve heard about myself since then. Let’s face it: the world will always be a mean place, and it will always be full of mean people.

There will constantly be someone who will go out of their way to make you feel extra crummy because although your braces are gone and you’ve lost some weight, not everyone will like you. The important thing is to like yourself, and eventually whatever meanness comes your way will cease to matter.

Once I eventually acknowledged that, I simply picked up the pieces and kept walking. What do these people know, anyway? I’m a freaking superstar.