An idiot’s guide to sexting

I am a card-carrying member of the generation that created the concept of “sexting,” and it does not look like it’ll be leaving our collective consciousness anytime soon.

What is sexting?, one may ask. It is a portmanteau of the words “sex” and “texting,” which pretty much explains itself already. Now you’re probably wondering what has brought this about.

Back in the day, romance took its sweet, sweet time. People wrote long, arduous love letters that they could only give each other when the chaperone wasn’t looking. And if someone did want to take any liberties with the object of their affection (and by “liberties” I mean get to second base and feel you up under that baro’t saya), they would have to get married first.

I guess kids my age thought, What a bummer. Why do we have to spend so much time or even marry someone we only wanted to play tonsil hockey with?

Thanks to modern technology, we no longer have to. Instant text messaging now allows people to exchange dirty words and even dirtier pictures without exchanging lifetime vows of love and commitment. Aren’t we such an adorable bunch?

Personally, I’m not into sexting. It’s never been my thing, not necessarily due to moral reasons, but because I’d like to think my standards are so high that I would only willingly sext with someone who has a 25 percent chance of inheriting a royal throne. So basically it’s Prince Harry or bust.

To be fair though, sexting has its own appeal. Sex and sexuality has been scientifically proven to be mostly in the mind, and sexting is no exception.

This sort of exercise gets the juices (the creative kind, primarily) flowing. Aside from giving your own imagination a good workout, you also get to see if the person you are sexting is actually someone worth talking to. It’s also the only contraceptive besides celibacy that’s 100-percent pregnancy- and STD-proof. The only thing you’d lose, really, is prepaid load. Even that you can circumvent through unlitext promos. Or should I say unlisext? (I tried.)

For my part, I may or may not have tested it out at least once. Sexting seems like a lot of fun, but it’s also insanely hard to initiate, even if you’re a modern girl living in this great, big city.

Sometimes when a person says something flirtatious that borders on the raunchy, you’re tempted to ask, “Hold up. Are you sexting me?” I’m all for forward-thinking, but jeez. Way to kill the mood, kid. (I know this because I may have said this once. Or twice. Just trust me.)

And yet the other path you could take is to dive straight in like a circus clown into a teacup and just hope that sending a text of equal provocativeness doesn’t send you to jail for sexual harassment.

It’s crazy, right? We are living in some pretty hard times. This is the era, after all, that gave birth to Jersey Shore. I can guarantee that at least once in your life you will encounter someone who will attempt to sext with you, or at least an opportunity to sext will present itself. What to do?!

Relax. As “a voice of a generation,” I’ve painstakingly streamlined the sexting recipe down to a few key ingredients. Don’t worry, there’s lots of time to thank me later.

The first maxim goes without saying, really: Thou shall not sext with a stranger. Even with friends, one can never be too careful. The crux of technology today is that everything is so easily recorded, archived and distributed. I don’t really know a lot of people who’d enjoy having the intimate details of their nether parts shared via screenshot on Facebook.

Learn from the mistake of poor Vanessa Hudgens, whose naked photos she sent to her ex-boyfriend spread like wildfire just a few years ago. Hudgens is just one of so many women, famous or not, who’ve been publicly exploited by their partners because of their freewheeling activities.

You can’t exactly guarantee trust in sexting (I guess that’s kind of the thrill of it), but if you’re willing to put yourself in a vulnerable position, do it Cold War-style: mutually assured destruction. In other words, an eye for an eye and a nude pic for a nude pic.

Timing is also of paramount importance. A few weeks ago I was texting someone I sort of maybe liked, who was cool, funny, and all those blah blah interesting traits. Anyway, I had been in the middle of writing a particularly heinous report when he asked me how I was.

Wow, right? Actual concern for my wellbeing! I replied that I was busy being a corporate slave, and proceeded to talk a bit about what I was doing.

After all that, this maddening genius replied, “I slave, I see…;-)”

And there it was, the gateway sext. It wasn’t so much the words themselves, as it was the punctuations employed: the slutty ellipsis, the teasing semi-colon smiley. It would have been fine, but I was so turned off by the fact it was three in the afternoon and I was clearly in the mood to discuss something that meant a lot to me, and this oaf demonstrated that he’d rather I share the color of my underpants.

I’d say timing is the trickiest aspect of sexting to perfect, but I think it all boils down to whether you’re a decent human being or an animal in perpetual heat. Feel out the temperature of the conversation, and don’t be a jerk if it’s not what you expect it to be.

There is also such a thing as sext o’clock. Common wisdom dictates that sexting hours are from 11 in the evening until the sun comes up. (Of course, they can always say, “It’s sext o’clock somewhere in the world…” Ugh. Men.)

Above all else, sexting is supposed to be fun. The teasing, embarrassment, and occasional silliness are all part of the game. It’ll be kind of a buzzkill to take two hours in between sexts, or to abruptly detour to gooey romance avenue. Can you imagine that happening in real life?

Take note of we’re talking about here: sexting. It’s on the same level as reality television and hipsters on the list of things our generation is responsible for bringing into the world. Culturally relevant, but not devastatingly so. This isn’t an undergraduate thesis, dude. Don’t overthink it.

So the next time somelone texts you at midnight to ask what you’re wearing, stop panicking. Sexting is a choice, and if you decide to do it, just calm down and remember to KISS: keep it sexy, stupid. (Also, don’t be stupid, stupid. But you knew that already.)

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