What being gay has nothing to do with

I saw a documentary a while back about the case of David Reimer, or “The Boy Who was Raised as a Girl.” Examining an incident that took place in Winnipeg, Canada back in the 1960s, the movie shows us that socialization of gender identity can only go so far, or nowhere at all.

David Reimer, born Bruce, and his twin Brian were set for circumcision at only eight months old as a solution to cure urination problems. But a botched operation in which doctors used unconventional methods and wrong electrical equipment left Bruce’s penis completely destroyed. His parents worried that without a penis, Bruce would grow up to lead a difficult life.

Dr. John Money, a psychologist who specialized in sex and gender from Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, had suggested that it was nurture and not nature that determined the gender of a person. Money suggested that at an early age, Bruce should be raised as a girl. His mother Janet, who only had her son’s well-being in mind, agreed to participate. For many years, and with the help of his parents’ involvement in the experiment, Bruce was raised as Brenda.

Brenda was raised as any girl would be, given dresses and skirts to wear, girls’ toys to play with and even taught how to use makeup. But at a young age, she never felt right about it. She didn’t like to play with the other girls, and did not like wearing dresses, often jealous of the toys that her twin brother would be playing with.

Especially when puberty hit, Brenda became extremely confused and unhappy. Physically as well, she had broad shoulders, a thick neck, and she slumped like a boy. It was difficult for Brenda, and most especially for her parents, who were struggling with the experiment and a guilty conscience.

Eventually, when Brenda was 14, her parents decided to reveal the truth. At peace with the revelation, Brenda changed her name to David, and for the rest of his life, David spent it trying to convert back to his original sex. But in 2004, dealing with the loss of his job, the death of his twin brother, and a divorce from his wife, David decided to take his own life.

It’s a tragic end to a strange story. But what I was particularly engrossed in was that it disproves people’s notion that sexuality is constructed — “taught” by society.

This line of thinking is not surprising in the Philippines, with its strict religious beliefs, but hard to fathom in the modern world. You might think that by now, people have more or less accepted the truth that people do not choose to be gay. It is not a choice. Why would someone choose a life that is vehemently difficult for society to accept? One in which their human rights, let alone sexual orientation, is not even recognized?

Being gay has nothing to do with choice. One time I asked my friend, “When did you know that you were gay?” It’s not like a revelation that you come to discover in yourself, where one day you wake up and decide, “Hey, maybe I’ll be gay today.” He grew up just knowing it. Perhaps like any other straight girl or guy would come to explore and discover his or her own sexuality at the right time.

Maybe it only actually becomes a choice when the person has denied or refused to accept it for a long time, as is the case of many children whose parents constantly reaffirm the belief that veering away from the norms of gender is morally wrong. Of course then, it would really be a choice. But more than a choice to rearrange personal standards of “right” and “wrong,” it is a choice to be gay. The orientation was already there since the beginning; it was the choice to accept it that was made.

Being gay has nothing to do with the household, either. A home can have one male dominant parent, one feminine mother, and have four gay children. It can have no dominant male figures at all, but raise very manly boys. It can have two gays as parents, and raise straight boys and girls.

Being gay also definitely has nothing to do with the kinds of toys you play with, or extracurricular activities that you engage in. I mean, for all the straight girls who are roughing it up in sports like judo, rugby or basketball, or wearing a suit and running multi-national companies — were we supposed to focus on girly toys growing up, playing with plastic teacups and a makeshift kitchen sets, just to make sure we don’t grow up to be gay?

Being gay has nothing to do with a lot of things. Scratch that: sexuality in general has nothing to do with a lot of things. Of course the way that we choose to express ourselves, this sexuality, is a choice. And that choice is constructed and influenced by society. We as girls, boys, straights or gays choose what shoes we decide to wear, how we dress our hair, what jargon we use when we speak or how much makeup to put on our face. All of that is a choice.

There is a difference, however, between expression of oneself, and the innate gender identity that is bestowed upon us. It’s been scientifically shown that many animals have a gay sex. What exempts the possibility that humans, too, have a third sex?

As seen in the case of David, or Brenda, gender has nothing to do with upbringing or parenting. As children, the only thing we could really ask from our parents is undying support and love.