Insert wisdom here

Dear Class of 2013: First of all, understand that for me to be addressing the Class of 2013 is like science fiction in my head. It’s not a date that’s real to me; it’s the year of the post-nuclear cannibal mutant apocalypse, or the deadline for the uploading of our mass consciousness into a cloud of spark-fueled, nanobot-curated data. Secondly, you may be wondering what happened to your regularly scheduled commencement speaker. Let’s just say that a surfeit of alcohol consumption brought about by nostalgia for the ‘80s has rendered Mr. Dingdong Avanzado unable to address you today. Instead, you get a speaker whose first name can be mistaken neither for a snack or a sound effect.

As someone who has been writing professionally for many years, I am uniquely qualified to advise you on what lies ahead, having become familiar with bitterness, depression, and cash-flow problems. I, too, once stood where you stand today — not literally, but with the same proud stance, the same wide smile, but perhaps not the same stain on the front of my pants. And now you’re there, and here I am, on this stage, speaking from the vantage point afforded to me by my experiences and my achievements, and you can see exactly how far you can go if you apply yourself and work hard for over a decade: about 14, 15 feet, more or less.

I have now come to the section in my index cards that says, “Insert a s***load of wisdom here.” This underscores the importance of proper preparation for anything in life, and also the fact that my present self is often made to feel like kicking my past self in the face. Keep in mind that until a viable means of traveling through time is invented, this will not be possible, so try not to do anything in the present that will make your future self hate you. This includes heroin, tattoos of boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s names, and engaging in pointless arguments on the Internet.

Right now your lives are full of possibilities, and potential greatness. But in just a short while, you are all going to leave this hall, and go forth, and ruin all of that. Many of you will become useless wastes of space, if you aren’t already. Many of you will do actual harm, whether it’s to institutions, the environment, or minds and hearts even more impressionable than yours. Many of you will just be utter jerks, with a vast sense of entitlement and little to no firsthand experience with concepts like kindness and responsibility. Many of you — but not all of you, because if I thought it would be all of you, I would never have come here, despite the generous honorarium… Excuse me. What’s that? There’s no honorarium? What the fu… you’re kidding, right? Is there food, at least? Okay then.

As I was saying, some of you will go forth and actually become worthwhile human beings. It’s hard to tell at this point which ones, though I’m guessing that guy over there with the hair and the goatee isn’t one of them. Academic achievements and personal wealth or the lack thereof aren’t indicators. Your favorite films or music or books aren’t indicators. All I can tell you is this: as much as possible, think about what you’re doing. Think beyond this moment, and beyond the hall of mirrors that is your own skull. Again, in the absence of time machines, we are all traveling in one direction — and no, that was not a reference to the boy band, but thanks for the spontaneous applause — and we all only have so much time. Seeing as how you’re eating up the same amount of hours anyway, you might as well use them in as intelligent and humane and informed a manner as possible. Don’t try to make yourself feel better by assuring yourself that other people don’t know what they’re doing — they don’t, but neither do you, really. Don’t whine. Don’t try to be cool. Don’t be that guy — or that girl.

In conclusion, I would like to leave you with the words that I told myself when I went from kindergarten to grade school, and when I finished high school and entered college, and when I finally graduated from college and started working. These are words that have always been proven true: “This is when the trouble starts.” Thank you and good afternoon.