Everybody talks

MANILA, Philippines - For all its straitlaced talk about evolution and the laws of physics, science has so far failed to prove two things: the existence of mermaids and just why it feels so damn good to gossip.

Before you get on that high horse or raise that bushy eyebrow, take time to realize that we human beings should really start owning up to the fact that everyone, from your yaya to your batty grandma, loves talking to people about other people. There’s an inexplicable thrill that shoots up our spine whenever we get wind of a delicious rumor and most especially when we find the opportunity to share it with someone who cares.

You don’t even have to step outside and wear pants just get a hold of the grapevine; thanks to the Internet, almost everything you need to know and tell is set in front of you like a buffet table. The best part is, it doesn’t make you fat. (Just evil.)

Face it. We all gossip. It’s human frailty, but it’s still part of being human. The only difference is the kind of gossip we happen to be. So let me ask you: how do you spread the dread?

The Unapologetic Gossip

When someone thinks of the ultimate gossipmonger, you are usually the first one on people’s minds. Er, no, that wasn’t really a compliment. You have absolutely no concept of a filter; you eat every rumor up and spit it out to anyone within a five-foot radius. We admit — sometimes, keeping you close can have its benefits. After all, how else are we gonna find out that our doormat of an algebra classmate is secretly marrying her douchebag boyfriend or that Joseph Gordon-Levitt (allegedly) once dated a man? The only problem with indulging a gossip like you is a lot like opening a can of Pringles: once you pop, you can’t stop.

The Sympathetic Gossip

We all know what your favorite question is: “Are you okay?” You don’t fool us, kid. We see you lurking on our mutual friends’ comment boxes or the conversations on our Twitter feeds. Your modus is loud and clear. You play the nice card and you play it well. The best part of seeing a friend cry is finding her at her most vulnerable because you can’t wait to dig out the dirty secrets that hide behind those tears. Sometimes, you don’t even need to gossip about whatever you learn, you just take a particular pleasure at seeing your peers suffer. By the way, Azkaban called. There’s a Dementor internship they think you might be interested in.

The Obsessed Gossip

Congratulations — all those long summer nights learning HTML for your glittery Xanga blog finally paid off. At some point in your young life, you were humiliated (probably because of those too-tight jogging pants you wore for PE) and now you’ve fought back with your own online burn book. It’s the one place where you get to play queen: you’re not afraid to show off everyone’s dirty laundry and you’ve even got the screenshots to prove it. The neurotic way in which you harass your former schoolmates online so they can finally admit their teenage pregnancy/drug addiction/fake noses while cursing you and the next five generations of your kin is comedy gold. It’s a little sad and implies a bit too much psychological damage for us to handle, but the universe nonetheless thanks you for doing all the dirty work on its behalf.

The Passive Gossip

Aw, look at you, sitting on the fringes of your high school barkada, enjoying being on the receiving end of the rumor mill. Hardly anyone runs to you to hear the latest on almost anything because you get most of your news during the rare times you check Facebook or when you read old copies of Yes! at the dentist’s office. You’re a great depository for gossip, though, and you rarely sniff rumors out yourself. It makes you kind of nice, actually. Nice and this other word… what is it again? Oh, that’s right. Boring.

The Strategic Gossip

The precision by which you withhold or share information could put the entire cast of Homeland to shame. You know when a rumor should be spread or to whom it should be said. You’re a fortress of gossip, and you keep your truth bombs close until they’re prime for maximum impact. Who are you? What are you?

The Non-Gossip

You, my friend, are a god among men. You want nothing to do with spreading rumors about the people around you; in fact, anything relayed to you goes through one ear and comes out of the other. Is it true that you drink unicorn blood for eternal life? Oh, right. You’ll never tell. But we’re sure that this is true, because we also know something else: YOU DON’T EXIST.