MANILA, Philippines - After a hellish rush hour commute to Ortigas, settling into my desk chair made me feel like I was Gollum, settling into a pool of gurgling lava in the heart of Mount Doom. I had grasped an opportunity a month after college and in my haste, I had forgotten that I was saying goodbye to my free time, as well as to personal projects that I had planned to do once “I had more time” post-graduation.
I heard from my new officemate that the shortest time anyone had ever worked there was two days, and though I laughed at this, what I really wanted to do was bolt. The weeks that followed were long, painful, and annoying, but I didn’t want to give in to the temptation to flee. In my head, I was going to be better than this quitter. I was going to power through.
I was out of there after a month.
Apart from the mandatory martial arts sessions of having to judo chop through people to get myself into a train car, I hated that I didn’t have the time or the energy to do what I really wanted to. Even a work-from-home stint as a graphic designer for an international company that I loved turned into something I dreaded daily.
I threw in the towel and realized that day jobs didn’t work for me. After my contract ended a year and three months ago, I have lived the freelancer’s life, and that seems to be working out the best for me.
When I was in college, the word “freelancer” had a stigma attached to it. “Freelancing” wasn’t a legitimate career choice. It only meant that you were in between jobs. It was no one’s dream to become a “freelancer” someday. It lacked stability and put you in precarious situations. While it still isn’t stable, recent days have seen “The Rise of the Freelancer.” People, both fresh grads and working professionals, have chosen to break away from corporations and agencies to try to make it on their own.
Some people still don’t think it’s a real job. A whole day in front of a laptop will give the untrained (judgmental) eye that impression. When people ask what I do, it takes me a while to collect my thoughts before I finally, sheepishly say “freelancer.” Looking back over the last year or so, though, I think I’ve done alright for myself.
Since my breakup with the day job, I have traveled to three countries and four Philippine cities and provinces. I’ve mounted a solo art exhibit and was part of several group shows, while working on design projects for a number of clients. I have done some writing on the side for newspapers and magazines. My portfolio is far fatter than I ever imagined it would be in such short a time.
However, this life hasn’t been easy. When I talk about what I do, I always quote 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon, a woman after my own heart: “Technically, I am a freelancer, which is pretty much a modern-day cowboy.” I repeat it incessantly because it’s true. In between projects, I have to watch my budget and just hustle all the time. There’s that fear that if I stop looking for work, it will stop coming to me.
On the other hand, freelancing has made me into a ‘yes’ monster. I have to push myself to beat a deadline because I misattributed time needed for overlapping projects. There are times where I subsist on coffee and fear alone. Coupled with that is the desire—and maximum opportunity: hello, bed—to give up and veg out in front of the T.V. (Just a head’s up: this hankering for series marathons and junk food festivals never goes away.)
Working outside of a traditional idea of a career, I think I’ve had to push myself harder. I was forced to grow a Hagrid-skin coat, impervious to the evil spells of rejection and discouragement. When calls stop coming and you find yourself with nothing to do, it honestly makes you want to give up. But it’s too easy to give in to that urge to measure your failed self against other people who are seemingly more successful, accomplished or adored than you will ever be. It gets a little lonely and monotonous sometimes, too.
When you work for yourself, there is no room for laziness, unprofessionalism, self-pity or creative ruts, all of which threaten to make an appearance. If you clear away space for these things, you really will never get better. The thing is, you’re the only one who can get yourself out of these situations. You’re really ultimately responsible for yourself.
The other, better thing is that while it’s hard, it’s rewarding to be doing the things that you want to do. It’s a joy now to wake up every morning and figure out what the day has in store for me. Work has become exciting again.
I’ve learned and grown up a lot, working on my own. I am bolder and more assertive. I am better at a lot of things I used to be unskilled at. A part of me has, finally, learned to be courageous.
My own version of the future is made up of a lot of dreams. I want to work for the Penguin Group, or at a design collective in Texas, or with a magazine that I grew up reading. I want to learn from those who know better, and I want to collaborate with the people that I look up to. I think these possibilities and dreams are what motivate me to try and make good work in the first place.
At the end of everything, all I want to do is to make good things. It doesn’t matter if it’s through a 9-to-5 or working alone. Right now though, this is where I am and I’m really, very happy to be here.