How to lose friends and alienate people

MANILA, Philippines - Looks like the good ol’ adage of “if you can’t beat them, join them” is still very much alive in the age of the Internet. But it comes with a couple of modifications. For instance, if you’re having trouble joining them, take a step further away from tradition, walk in their shoes, and maybe keep them for yourself. Pauline Prieto gives us concrete steps on how to play for the popular team.

Step 1 Find a posse you clearly aren’t up to par with and kiss all their butts so they let you join them to be their constant source of admiration.

Step 2 Once in, to gain trust, single out the frail little gazelle (ex-comrade) the pack of lions wish to devour and do what must be done — rip the shit out of the frail little gazelle. It can be viral public humiliation. Just be creative.

Step 3 Once the trust has been gained, expect them to pour out their innermost feelings to you. With that, you will have been promoted to excess-baggage-carrier! Huzzah, wuss!

Step 4 Since personalities and attributes are somehow contagious, like a sort of plague, you will have officially metamorphosed into the faker that you are by this stage. So proud of you, homie!

Step 5 Since you’re now basically fronting and faking 24/7, the depression should kick in by now. You will experience what you learned about in English class: the classic “man vs. himself” conflict.

Step 6 Now is the time to act as though you’re not fake for as long as you can. Go ahead. Take your time.

Step 7 You will have poisoned yourself enough to think that you are okay. The depression will have been lifted so consider yourself a certified success! You are officially one of them, at least in your mind. You are popular!

Step 8 Now, Lindsay Lohan, since all eyes are on you, go tweet with your audience in mind! We wanna know how good your workout was, and how delicious the lunch your yaya whipped up at your hacienda was. Tell us what your boyfriend is thinking. You’re more relevant to us common folk then the king himself — Justin Biebs. Because, obviously, you can only rate your swag by how many followers and pals you have on the Internet. Enjoy your newfound popularity, you brainless drone! Hugs and kisses, betch!