Some things I'd like to have this Xmas (but then again don't we all)

5. World peace (the seasonal favorite!)Just because everyone seems to want it.

Or, at least, theywant you to think they want it. The thing is; what does anyone ever really do about it? We’re too caught up in our own lives to genuinely give a hoot about what’s happening to people around the world, or even in our own countries, for that matter. Of course we empathize, but that’s really just not the same, is it? Especially since our current technological age — innovative, convenient, and productive as it may be — is fast-paced, individualistic, and alienating to a fault. I’d wager that eight out of 10 people would much rather go Facebook than fight for something as abstract as planetary non-violence. And on that note, what about war? Arguably the biggest foil to achieving world peace (apart from our own human nature), theoretically, it’s possible to end warfare between nations. But then again, are the nations who benefit from the arms trade really willing to give up such a lucrative venture? Countries start wars so they don’t go bankrupt when they find themselves with a surplus of weapons on hand. I’m oversimplifying, naturally, but you get the drift.

4. A vehicle that can move at hyper-speed and become invisible.

No particular reason, except that hyper-speed’s supposed to be faster than supersonic speed…

Windows to the soul: They can see through the douchiness.

And if you add an invisibility shield to that, then you can rule the world! Or, you know, at least the streets of Manila during rush-hour holiday traffic. They won’t know what hit ‘em. Seriously though, more than the angas factor or gratification of consumerism, there’s a sort of poetic value at play when one buys a car — even if it isn’t as spiffy a vehicle as one that can shift to hyper-speed or become invisible. Purchasing a car is almost the same as purchasing time; your travel time from point A to point B gets cut down dramatically as opposed to what it normally is when having to use public transport. Of course, not everyone can afford their own car, and just as well (three cheers for social inequality!). Imagine everyone owning a car in the city. What would be the point of conspicuously showing off or cutting down travel time, then? You’d only be preaching to the choir.

3. X-ray glasses that can read your soul.

So that phonies and assholes and posers and backstabbers

and social climbers are screened from a mile away. This way, you can redirect your chi to more positive things in life such as the cool weather, friends that really love you, and the RP Azkals beginning to kick proper arse in Southeast Asian football (their plethora of British imports aside), among other things. Also, since the concept of inner beauty seems to be losing its social relevance in this day and age, glasses like these can counteract the effect of those ads which pressure people to try this shampoo, or that body cream, or this whitening lotion, or that surgical procedure all in the name of temporary, artificial beauty from without. We’d all finally be admired and loved for who we really are!

2. A strand of P-Noy’s ever-thinning hair.

Think about it: 10 years from now the man will be bald. Our president will be a veritable egghead with nothing going for him other than his supposedly genteel humor and questionable decision-making skills. Right now, he’s got, what, less than half a head of hair? To acquire even a strand would be to ensure future generations from total ignorance of the physiology of their country’s ruler, as well as to present them with a relic from the not-so-distant past; something they can rightly look upon with mixed feelings of horror and amazement. Furthermore, this strand could be utilized in such a way that the down-on-his-luck citizen can make a quick buck out of it on eBay or any reasonable facsimile thereof on the World Wide Web. The beauty of this is that it’s P-Noy himself who is able to extend the help that his policies never did for the common Filipino worker. And who knows how much money can be made out of his glasses?

1. Justice (and not just on Christmas or Human Rights Day).

I’m referring to two things in particular. The first would be the case of the Morong 43 — health workers arrested last February in Morong, Rizal, under the suspicion that they were trainees of the New People’s Army. And this is the rub: they were charged with illegal possession of firearms and explosives, after evidence of acupuncture needles were found among them. Naturally, I’m still trying to find the logic in that last statement. That said, however, the acquittal of 38 of the 43 health workers (apparently, five workers had admitted to being communist rebels) is something to feel glad about, and is a welcome move by P-Noy. But then again, after saying for the past few weeks that he would leave the case up to the court, then conveniently ordering the DOJ to withdraw the case on International Human Rights Day no less, well, I’m just irked at the fact that P-Noy didn’t work on the case sooner. After all, the case has been languishing in court since February, with the right of due process denied to the 43 ever since, as P-Noy himself has admitted. Think about it.

Moving on, what about the Vizconde Massacre? Honestly, I have no idea what to make of it, since on the one hand, you have Hubert Webb and the rest of the gang claiming their innocence despite them losing 15 years of their lives in prison; and on the other, you have Estrellita Vizconde with 13 stab wounds, and her daughters Carmela and Jennifer with 17 and 19 stab wounds, respectively. I don’t think it’s a question of who did what anymore, but more of whether justice was properly administered to the parties involved… or simply tossed about like so much confetti.

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Thank you to DLSP for the idea for this article.