My body is a cage

It happens to the best of us (and to the vain, especially). We get curious. We step onto the weighing scale. We freak out.       In my case, “freak out” is the understatement of the century when I found out that I had gained 15 pounds in less than two years. I was in a state of disbelief. I tried to reason with myself: The weighing scale had to be off. Most of my clothes still seemed to fit okay. I couldn’t have gained that much weight! It didn’t work. The shock wore off when the nervous laughter set in, and then before I knew it, I was actually crying my eyes out at the dinner table.

I holed up in my room for a few hours, curled into a little ball under my blanket, refused to see anyone, and just felt sorry for myself. I had never been skinny to begin with. An additional 15 pounds was horrifying, especially for someone like me with terminally low self-esteem. I was my mother’s weight at the age of 35, after two kids! Nightmare!

It was especially surreal since I knew for a fact that I hadn’t been eating that much. I hadn’t been bingeing, I hadn’t eaten as many MSG-packed snacks or drunk more sodas and sugary beverages as much as I used to. I couldn’t explain it. What changed?

All I knew for sure was that I gained weight, and I had to do everything I could to lose it.

The obvious option was exercise, but even though I thought I had myself convinced that after-work Bikram yoga would be doable, I never actually signed up. I’d stumble home after a long day at work, too exhausted to do anything but eat, tweet, and collapse into my bed to sleep. As much as I wanted to go back to my personal trainer, there weren’t nearly enough hours in the day to spare for the gym.

My second option was to eat less, which was easy enough since I was never a heavy eater to begin with. All I had during the day was soup and fruit. Two weeks later, after countless apples and bananas and no change at all in my weight, I gave it up because it was making me miserable.

I tried eating better. Soup and salad for lunch, and sashimi every now and then because surely the Japanese were doing something right. It was satisfying and tasty, but it was eating heavily into my budget. I got frustrated then, and I’ve been frustrated since. Why were greens and soup so expensive? I could have bought three really filling (but also really unhealthy) meals at a fast food joint for the price of one healthier lunch.

Why does it cost so much more to eat better? Why is it so difficult to find healthy food that’s affordable and yummy? Why are our vegetables always boiled and boring? Not everybody can afford to have diet food delivered every day, but that doesn’t mean that people like me who can’t cook or can’t find the time to cook don’t also want to maintain healthier bodies or kickstart healthier lifestyles.

When did health become a luxury?

* * *

You can e-mail me at vivat.regina@yahoo.com. Follow me: http://vivatregina.tumblr.com.