Much ado about Paradise

Welcome to Paradise. Population: you, some adventurous cows, and 300 people, give or take a little.

Seriously, I’d find any excuse to catch the next flight to New Zealand, stow myself in someone’s car, and freeload my way back to Glenorchy.

It has to be one of the most beautiful places on earth, completely unspoiled by human activity (the ratio of uncountable barn animals to the measly 300 humans should give you an idea), where cows, horses, and sheep rule supreme. The filming site of key locales in the Lord of the Rings movies, I can’t even begin to describe the place without looking like an idiot. Wild hand gestures, incoherent noises, asthmatic intakes of breath… you’d be at a loss for words too.

I’d have never heard of Glenorchy if it wasn’t for the aimless wandering we did in Queenstown (New Zealand’s adventure capital and premier resort town). As my sense of self-preservation was too high to be subjected to bungee jumping or sky-diving, I thought I’d be doomed to witness my family jump off 60-foot cliffs while I watched (in horror) from the sidelines. But then we came across a glorious banner advertising a Lord of the Rings horseback-riding tour in Glenorchy (which was 45 kilometers from Queenstown)…and the rest was history.

The town itself could pass for a ghost-town, with the sparse presence of services consisting only of one gas station, one motel, a luxury lodge, a pub, a café, and a fur trading post (yes, I know), among others. Throw in the blue mountains bordering the town from all sides, the rolling expanse of green as far as the eye can see, the sky-clear water extending forever—and it’s like arriving at the edge of the world. Which isn’t that far off, now that I think about it. I mean, consider the fact that we were at the south portion of an already southern, geographically isolated country (check the world map if you don’t believe me), separated from Antartica by only the Southern Ocean. Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

But back to the horseback-riding. If your aim is to traverse the mind-blowing landscape of Glenorchy, in my opinion, there’s no better way to do it than on horseback. You could walk, of course (it is a haven for hikers), but getting across all those stretches of land, mountain, and forest just feels much more bad-ass atop a mighty steed. 

Along with a hodge-podge of other tourists from both the local and international scene, we were picked up in town by a tall, white-haired, Gandalf-esque ranger who, upon opening the bus doors, promptly announced: “All aboard guys and gals, we’re heading to Paradise.” There was scattered laughter from the group, then, “No, seriously guys.”

You can take his statement in the literal or technical sense, and either way it wouldn’t matter. Maybe it was the alien sensation of actually breathing in clean air that got me so high, but the moment we arrived in Paradise Valley, Glenorchy, I swear I could hear the hallelujah chorus being sung out. You know how the many faces of nature can start looking the same after a while? How the landscape becomes a landscape given enough stage time? Well, not this place. It’s like God had an interior designer map out the placing of each shrub, each tuft of grass, each flower, and each mountain to come up with the heaven that is Paradise Valley. Incidentally, the heaven scene for The Lovely Bones—a book turned movie about a murdered girl watching her family from above — was shot in this very location. And did I mention the Lord of the Rings?

Now the wonderful thing about this tour (the company’s official name is Dart Stables, by the way) is the effort to somehow personalize your ride. Like those nifty Facebook applications, we were matched to a horse fitting our rider profile, size, and adventurousness. Which is really just a longer way of asking if you were a complete noob or a riding pro. Of course, being the utter newbie that I was, I honestly expected a pony. Or at least a horse that was a little closer to the ground. You can imagine my horror at being introduced to Roland, a towering, dark brown, Arabian thoroughbred who was to be my horse for the trek.

Aside from occasionally stopping to eat, giving a few playful bucks, and nearly throwing me off when he suddenly sprinted after lagging behind the others, Roland was a charm to ride. It was great—if not a tad bit stressful—to be able to steer the horses on our own without the tourguide having to babysit. So onward we rode, first following a winding path which led to Lothlorien (the golden forest of the elves in LOTR), where our guide shared interesting tidbits about the production and pointed out the hill of Amon Hen (where the Fellowship broke apart) to us. After circling the forest we descended to the valley, taking in the spectacular scenery until we reached the trek’s highlight with a view of the magnificent Wizard’s Vale (where the bad-guy camp is located in the movie) and the peaks of Methedras just behind it. From there we trotted across the Glenorchy wilds, and finally headed back to the ranch.

You don’t have to be a die-hard LOTR fan to enjoy the ride, trust me. Even if I wasn’t into LOTR and didn’t understand any of the movie references made during the trek, I’d still go for the scenery alone — it’s a veritable godsend. Totally worth the state of half-paralysis you’d find yourself in after the ride ends.

Ah, well. The next time you’re in New Zealand, you’d make headway for Glenorchy if you know what’s good for you.