'It's one in one'

My title was supposed to be “Love in the Time of A(H1N1),” but someone beat me to it. The next best thing was this joke that has been making the rounds on the text message circuit. If you haven’t received it yet, you either have no life, or your friends aren’t as corny as mine. For the benefit of those who have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the joke:

“It’s one in one.” (Manny Pacquiao-speak for H1N1). 

Okay, it loses something when you don’t need to scroll down a long text message to see the punch line.

Not many A(H1N1) jokes have been made — understandable because it is a very contagious disease that has reached global proportions. Thousands have been infected and hundreds have died from this illness and many more are suffering from it. There’s no need to look very far to find these people; here in the Philippines, H1N1 has already claimed one victim’s life. This sickness is no laughing matter.

Then again, it shouldn’t be so feared so much either. Mention the mere possibility that there is an infected person in a place and folks start spewing worried “uh-oh”s, expletives, and I-hate-you-infected-person statements. Stop overreacting, people! It’s not as if you’re being handed a death sentence.

Besides, what are the thermal scanners, facemasks, and free bottles of hand sanitizer and alcohol for if not to assure the frightened populace that institutions are doing something to guard against the spread of the virus? Sure, these things are real precautionary measures to avoid getting the disease, but I think the security they offer is greater than the actual physical protection afforded by these items.

So many schools have suspended classes so many times that some students are actually begging to be let back onto campus. When suspending class is no longer an option, some schools even force individuals who are showing symptoms of sickness into self-quarantine. Hello, crammed lessons and rushing students; goodbye, semestral break!

It’s high time that we get off the paranoid train. Everyone has been building up this issue a little too much. We’ve been focusing so much on swine (flu) that we’ve hardly paid attention to the pork barrel-holders tiptoeing around our asses.

Filipinos are such happy people! We can’t let a cold get us down. It’s time to let the sunshine in again and let this virus die. Lighten up! As they say, laughter is the best medicine — even for a pandemic like A(H1N1).

One of my favorite things that people jokingly say about swine flu is that they want to be quarantined just so they can skip school. Some even go the extra mile, saying they were willing to catch the bug as long as they would be able to be quarantined with the objects of their affections — or someone cute at the very least.

I myself joked that one very large silver lining to the dark cloud of sickness would be if the person who spreads the virus to me was someone really attractive — that way, I could sing “You give me fever” to him. Hey, it may be corny, but a lot of people actually agree with me! Maybe teenagers’ raging hormones should be considered a bigger problem than swine flu.

If Fever (the Beyoncé version, not Michael Buble’s!) isn’t your cup of tea, there are a lot of other songs that would do just as well. A golden oldie, I’d Rather by Luther Vandross, is a sweet and very cheesy alternative. If you’d rather have bad times with him than good times with someone else, this is the song for you.

Too mushy? Avril Lavigne’s Hot is perfect if he makes you so hot that you’re ready to drop! Or maybe like Chaka Khan, for a chance to be with him, you’d gladly risk it all? Even through the fire?

Kidding aside, no one really wants to get sick, right? So maybe the way to lighten up isn’t by joking that you want to catch swine flu so you can hit on your crush. In that case, the way to go is to use the lemons we’ve been given to make lemonade.

Facemasks scare me. I know that they act as barriers between your nasal passages and the germs from the nostrils of someone else. However, whenever I see someone wearing one, the masks make them look like they’re already sick. Most people don’t like masks either, so even if they’re available, no one uses them.

Well, some enterprising businesspeople have decided to produce what I call designer facemasks. These are masks with designs and colors. They not only serve a good purpose, but they also look good! Plus, it makes the masks more attractive for young people to wear because they’re not so plain and clinical-looking.

There you go! There’s a solution for everything — even A(H1N1). Prettier facemasks that are more wearable: check. Free mini bottles of hand sanitizer: check. Regular advisories on swine flu: check. A joke or two to relax the tense situation in the country: check. We have all the tools we need to overcome this pandemic. Now if only dengue could only receive this much attention and concern, then maybe we could overcome that, too.

Be safe, people! It is better to sanitize than be anesthetized.