Am I my sister's keeper?

Dear Mai Mai, China And Tingting,

I’m 19 and I have a sister who’s 24 and married. She and her husband, along with their son, live in a room in our house. When she was still single, my older sister and I were not really close. We don’t fight that often because we try to stay out of each other’s business. But recently, I’ve been hearing her crying all the time. It could be because of the frequent shouting matches she and her husband have when my parents are out. In fairness to them, they restrict their arguments to inside their room and never argue outside. I only know because I come home earlier than my parents and their room is across from mine. What should I do? Should I talk to my sister? Or to her husband? Tell my parents? Or should I continue to stay away? Black Friday

I think you should just stay away. You’ve been staying out of each other’s business, so why start intervening now? Their problem is their own. They will seek your help if they need it. However, I think you should also make little steps. Make yourself more available to her. She can erupt anytime and it’s good if she finds you around and available to talk to. But I think that’s the most you should do as of now. The fact that you don’t have enough experience to give them sound advice either is also a reason to keep out. Be there to be the crying shoulder, but do not interfere. Marital problems, I’ve heard, are the most complicated of all worries. China

If you were younger than 19, I would say that you should continue to stay away. However, you’re an adult now and you’re expected to react to a problem. And I notice you’re not acting impulsively so I think you’re going to do the right thing. I point this out because not the same things work for different families. I, for example, might go directly to the source (my sister) and offer her some comfort. But that’s because us five sisters are really close. Because you and your sister aren’t; maybe the best road for you is telling your parents because they are best equipped to handle the problem. But if your parents are uptight or if you don’t want to worry them, then maybe yes, it’s best that you stay away. Think about what’s best for your kind of family before acting. Your sister’s relationships with you and with her husband are at stake. Mai Mai

There are many things you can do. But first what you shouldn’t do is — talk to her husband. Don’t talk to him, even if you think you’re close and it’s easy for you to approach him. If I were you, I would probably tell my parents that something’s brewing in the other room. Tell them what you think and what you’ve been observing. Take note of dates, the frequency of the fights, and the times you’ve seen or heard you sister cry. I’d do this so that if it turns for the worse, I wouldn’t be charged as to being clueless or ignoring what I already know to be a bad situation. I don’t know if you should talk to your sister though. If there’s an opportunity, I think you can bring it up. If she clams up, then back down. If she opens up, then it’s a chance for you to be sympathetic and to ask how you can help her. The bottom line is, you must be more observant and take action from there.  Tingting