Bangkok haunts

Some of the muppets were in Bangkok at the same time, so they made a date for dinner. Tickle-Me Elmo, Telly, and Herry could not resist the very reasonably-priced Thai massages that were being advertised everywhere (as low as 99 baht, 1 baht = P1.32), after which they had to take long naps and showers. By the time they turned up at Grungella’s hotel it was 10 p.m.

Grungella was staying at the Amari Watergate, a five-star hotel completely surrounded by shopping malls. Across the street was

Platinum, where one went for bargains and pasalubong, and behind the hotel was Paragon, where one went for luxury goods and guilt offerings. The alleys were teeming with vendors selling clothes and accessories. The old adage about location (“Location, location, location!”) is particularly true in Bangkok: it’s best to get accommodations within walking distance of the places you wish to visit, or else you will spend most of your time sitting in traffic.

Grungella recommends the Amari Watergate for its excellent service, range of dining options, and the little touches such as the welcome fruit plate and the three rubber duckies lined up above the bathtub.

If anything, the hotel may have been too welcoming: she could not use one of the sinks in the bathroom because it was full of orchid petals.

Also, because of the hotel’s name and the Redford-Hoffman movie All The President’s Men, she was slightly paranoid about her room being bugged.

For dinner, Grungella suggested that they go to the cafes around the Suan Lum Night Market. “Suan Lum?” they asked the first taxi driver in the queue.

“100 baht,” he said.

“Isn’t this a metered taxi?” they said.

“80 baht” was his counteroffer.

“It’s like being in Manila!” they chorused. Eventually they found a cabbie who agreed to turn on the meter. The fare came to just 43 baht.

At Suan Lum they walked through aisles and aisles of merchandise until, alerted by the smell of leather, they came to a store selling huge leather bags. They were knockoffs of Mulberry bags, fortunately without fake labels. Suan Lum is cleaner, better-organized and less stressful than the very popular Chatuchak weekend market, where prices are lower but one can get lost for days in the hot, teeming labyrinths. (Earlier that day, Grungella could not find her way out of the pets section in Chatuchak; everywhere she looked there were adorable cats, dogs, monkeys, and animals she could not identify, gazing up at her as if to say, “Buy me! I need love!”)

Among the homogenizing detritus of civilization at Suan Lum, you can find funky pieces by local designers. A couple of days earlier, Grungella and Ernie had bought graphic T-shirts featuring a Red Chinese soldier holding up a Louis Vuitton handbag. Ernie also found a T-shirt with a pretentious cow saying “Meuh.”

The Mulberry-ish leather bag met with Telly’s approval. “How much?” Elmo asked.

“6,500 baht,” the vendor replied.

It wasn’t a bad price for a large real leather bag, but what’s the point of visiting a market if you’re not going to haggle? On cue, the muppets contemplated the bags admiringly, then turned away with melodramatic regret.

“How much you want?” the vendor asked. He quoted an opening price of 4,000 baht, which implied that he would go lower. The muppets shrugged in unison and said they’d be back.

They picked an open-air restaurant at random, perused the menu, and ordered fried century eggs with pork, chicken curry, sautéed asparagus and shrimp, fishcakes, and drinks. While waiting for their order they ate a bag of lanzones, which the Thais call longgong. Our local lanzones is sweeter.

The food was excellent, and for that quality and quantity, cheap.

Dinner for four totaled 943 baht. It is difficult to get a bad meal in Bangkok — if you want bland food you’ll have to drag yourself to some American fast-food joint.

On their way out of Suan Lum they dropped by the bag vendor’s stall to see if he’d been softened up sufficiently. But a woman had taken over negotiations, and she was not a softie. She said the discounted price was 5,000 baht.

“What if we buy two bags?” Telly asked.

The haggling ended at 3,700 a bag, but only if they bought three bags.

That’s when it occurred to them to count their money, and they realized they didn’t have enough cash.

“3,700 each for two bags!” she called after them.

At the exit, the first taxi offered to take them back to the Amari Watergate for 200 baht. The second taxi quoted 100 baht. The third cabbie said he’d accept 100 baht to drive them to their two hotels.

They clambered in. “Where from?” the cabbie asked, cheerfully.

“Manila,” replied the muppets.

Clearly the cabbie had functioning gaydar (not that it was much of a challenge), because apropos of nothing he said, “Want boy?”

“Why, whatever do you mean, kind sir?” said Telly, who had suddenly turned into a Southern belle from a Tennessee Williams play.

“Boys!”

“You mean go-go boys?” Herry said coyly.

“Boys!” the cabbie insisted. “They go to your room, 2,000 baht.”

“What?” Herry, Telly and Elmo chorused.

“For (verb that cannot be used in polite company)!” the cabbie clarified.

“Oh, look, here’s my hotel,” said Grungella, for the taxi was right in front of the Amari Watergate. “Good night!” She can testify under oath that she has no idea what happened next.

*  *  *

Email your comments and questions to emotionalweatherreport@gmail.com.