The perfect excuse
The phone rang at exactly
I turned my head against the pillow and cursed under my breath and tried to recall what particular chore of hers I screwed up again. I gulped and decided to wait for several more rings before finally lifting the handle.
“Hello…” I rasped, unable to hide my being roused from sleep. It seemed a while before someone answered; and I was just about to hang up when…
“Kupaaalll! How the hell are you!? Happy new year!” this cheery male voice blurted out on the other line. It only took me a few seconds to realize that it was…
“Jerryyyy! You magnificent bastard! Haven’t heard from you in ages! Ano na balita sayo? How’s the acting business? Jerry, Jerry dingle berry!”
Gadzooks! It’s certainly a pleasure unexpectedly hearing from old friends, ain’t it? Indeed, I do miss the days when text messages and e-mail never existed and letters were, in my opinion, much more heartfelt and special through snail. Unfortunately, my feelings from this particular call turned from apprehension to delight to dismay in a matter of minutes. And not since a girl told me that she’d “rather die” than continue to be my girlfriend have my emotions changed so rapidly.
So although I couldn’t accept Jerry’s ridiculous idea of me starring in his pathetic, low-budget theater production of Death of a Salesman, I did allow him to set me up with this rather charming ex-schoolmate of his from an obscure college. Now I’ve become weary of such dates (or any kind, for that matter) because I’ve often gotten the short end of the stick. And while I am no matinee idol, I still do seek the usual female attributes prized by the superficial man.
“Shush! She’s got great boobs, Matty,” he reassured me, cautiously stroking my weakness for the opposite sex following my immediate objections. “I’m sure you’ll have fun. Besides… it’s just a date!”
Just a date, I thought. His words kept buzzing in my ear as I glanced at my watch the following night. The girl was an hour late, and I hastily ordered another beer to calm my nerves. I no longer recall how many I’d had until that moment, but let’s just say that had it not been for my pathetic tolerance for alcohol, I’d have already passed out on my seat waiting for this creature to show up.
She eventually did, anyway, and I quickly ran some fingers across my hair and shuffled uncomfortably underneath the table. I tried my best to smile, but those unwanted frowns kept replacing them instead. I wasn’t sure if it was the temporary courage those Heinekens gave me or the fact that I’d been munching on stale breadsticks for an hour that did it, but I had half a mind to tell her off.
“Jesus, I’m soooo sorry I’m late! You’re Matthew, right? My apologies po,” she said. “I do hope you haven’t been waiting that long?”
“Nah... I just got here 10 minutes ago.”
“I’ll bet you did,” she said, staring ruefully at the empty beer bottles beside me. “I really am sorry, you know…”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll bet you have a good excuse to cover it up, anyway,” I chuckled and tried to put her at ease. At least she felt bad about the whole thing, I thought. No one stands up Matthew Estabillo (at least not every day). “Shall we get you a drink?”
“Yes, please. I need a stiff one after what happened tonight. Kawawa naman si Daddy…”
“Oh. ‘Daddy.’ I said, trying my best not to sound too nosy. “Why? What happened to ‘Daddy’?”
The girl eyed me reproachfully, as if trying to decide whether to open up to a total stranger or not. I immediately felt her distress about the whole thing and was just about ready to change the subject when she cleared her throat:
“Well, I was getting ready for tonight and was trying on some dresses in my room when it all started,” she explained. “Dad was working on his motorcycle on the patio while Mom was preparing dinner in the kitchen. My, oh, my, we actually looked like a modern-day Norman Rockwell painting.”
“I’m sure you did… You had to stay for dinner with your family. No big deal. That’s what held you up?”
“Ah, not really. You see, Dad was revving the engine on his motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. Mom said he was still holding onto the handles when he was dragged through the glass doors along with the bike!”
“Good gravy!” I said. “Ano nangyari? Nasaktan ba siya?”
“Malamang. He crashed onto the floor inside our house, eh! We heard the commotion and ran into the living room and found Daddy lying on the floor — cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him along with our shattered patio door…”
“That’s terrible!” I cried. “How unnerving that must have been!”
“I know! So Mom ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. But since we live on a fairly large hill in Antipolo, the two of us still had to go down several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to Daddy.”
“Wow. But at least they got to him somehow, right? So that’s what held you up…”
“Nye. Hindi po. You see, after Dad was transported to the hospital, Mom and I righted his motorcycle and pushed it outside the house. There was gasoline all over the place, so we got some paper towels to blot up it up. She then threw it in the toilet.”
“I see. And that’s what held you up.”
“Not really…”
“No?”
“Nope. You see, Daddy was treated quickly naman sa hospital, and he was immediately released to come home. But when he arrived, he just looked hard and long at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.”
“That’s not healthy,” I said. “That’s definitely not what he should have been doing at the time. I’m no doctor, but…”
“You’re certainly not, Matt. And Mom and I did try to pull him away from the scene, but he still became despondent after that. Dad later explained that he went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. He decided not to finish it and flipped the lit stick between his legs into the bowl. Jesus. Mom and I were in the kitchen when we heard the loud explosion along with Dad’s high-pitched screams.”
“My God… th-that smarts,” I burbled, trying my best not to laugh. “Was he all right?”
“Hardly. Takbo kami ni mama sa bathroom and we found him lying on the floor. His pants had been blown away and he was suffering serious burns to his groin, butt and the back of his legs. Poor Dad… all he could do was moan.”
“That’s what held you up? Please??”
“Why, not at all,” she said. “I’m sorry, Matt, but Mom still had to run to the phone to call the ambulance again, while I looked after Daddy.”
“Of course she did! And of course you did! They arrived in time this time, I hope…”
“Yeah, they certainly did! But by some twist of fate, the very same crew was dispatched and Mom met them down the street again! Pretty soon the paramedics loaded Dad onto the stretcher and began carrying him out into the street. But while they were going down the stairs, one of the men asked Mama how Daddy had injured himself… She told him and those idiot paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping Daddy out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his back!”
I gazed at my date with a blank stare, finally deciding not to ask if it was finally over or not. “Uh, okay. So…”
“Yes, that’s what actually held me up. And I had to wait for Dad to come home again a second time before I could...”
“Uh, would you excuse me for a moment?” I said. “Gotta use the restroom.”
After I got the giggles out of my system (and there were quite a few), I headed back towards our table. Guilt had begun to shroud my sentiments; and I really did feel bad about what happened to her dad. So when I saw the dessert tray carrying some colorful pastries, I took one to give to her. Poor girl, I thought. Maybe she could give it to her dad in the hospital. She had her back turned to me and was talking on her mobile…
“Oo naman, Jerry! At least I got here, di ba?” she cackled gleefully over the phone. “And I’m pretty sure he bought it! It was the perfect excuse! He’s not too bright, this Matthew, is he?”
I sighed, shook my head and tapped her gently on the shoulder. She jumped up and quickly ended her call. It was an absolutely worried look that surrounded her face. She was probably thinking of what I was gonna do with the cake in my hand, if I’d actually overheard her talk with my soon-to-be-sorry friend.
“Oh! Oh, Matt! You startled me,” she babbled. “I… um… did you happen to catch me na may kausap sa phone? I-I was just talking with…”
“Your mom, I’m guessing.” I said with a smile and handed her the cake. It’s always nice watching someone react when they think they’ve gotten away with something, isn’t it? “So how’s your dad doing? Much better na I hope…”
“Y-yes… Much better na daw. Thanks for the dessert…”
“I had fun tonight. We should do this again…”
“Really?” she said with a grin, loosening up. “Me, too. How about tomorrow?”
* * *
I have certainly outgrown such cheesed-out greetings since the late ‘90s, but these guys promised to buy two copies each of today’s issue if I mentioned their names. How pathetic can you get? So lemme just say “hi” to Epixtar’s Precious,
* * *
E-mail: estabillo_rt@yahoo.com.
