Can’t go wrong with 300 sets of abs

Once in a blue moon, a really kick-ass movie comes along and changes the way you think. 300 is one such movie. I saw the 1962 movie The 300 Spartans back when I was a kid, and it got so boring I switched it off halfway. At the time I was really into Rambo-type movies, but my mom tried her utmost best to keep me from watching them until I got into high school. Perhaps I would have grown up to be a merciless serial killer with a penchant for attacking multiple people at once if she let me have my way — who knows? Some people think violence is bad for little kiddies. Apparently, it desensitizes them. I think that’s a good thing. Sensitivity is for the weak. Kids nowadays have no idea of the rising level of insanity in the world, and being desensitized allows room for adjustment.

Move over, Barney. 300 is a perfect example of what today’s kids should be watching. It grabs you by the balls and crushes them in a vise grip of impregnable steel fingers ‘til the very end. It evokes epic emotions of glory and bloodlust. Several times during the movie, I felt like standing up and doing some hardcore dancing while screaming at the top of my lungs. (For those of you who don’t know what hardcore dancing is, search for it on YouTube.) As I walked out of the theater, I had these irrational urges to start a fight and stab people with my fingers. Imagine what would happen if every single kid in this country watched that movie, then was given access to deadly weapons. Our overpopulation dilemma would instantly be solved.

300 is so bad-ass, it makes even cheesy lines sound good. "Ready your breakfast, and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in Hell!" says Gerard Butler as King Leonidas. Another horrible one is "Give them nothing! But take from them everything!" If those words came out of any other mouth aside from Gerard Butler’s, that man would instantly experience spontaneous heart failure due to indigestion and the side effects of really cheesy lines. I wonder what makes the former Phantom of the Opera immune to the atrocious script. I’m guessing it must be the subtle combination of a chiseled eight-pack and a beard, since beards rock. Why do you think Osama bin Laden’s been so successful in evading hordes of US troops, sneaky CIA operatives, and elite Special Forces units? Beards are definitely a benefit to any male. Plus, you can use it as camouflage once it gets long and gnarly enough.

300 has some pretty decent lines, too. Here’s my favorite exchange of words:

Leonidas: Before you speak, know that in Sparta everyone, even a king’s messenger, is responsible for their voice. Now... what message do you bring?

Persian Messenger: Earth and water.

Leonidas: (Laughs) You rode all the way from Persia for earth and water?

Gorgo: Do not be coy or stupid, Persian. You cannot afford either in Sparta.

Persian Messenger: What makes this woman think she can speak among men?

Gorgo: Because only Spartan women give birth to real men.

Owned, bitch! Straight up your ass! Queen Gorgo sure hit the nail on the head when she said only Spartan women give birth to real men. My mom’s a real Spartan. You should see her when she’s pissed. She can be a Nazi, too, sometimes (then again, so can I), but otherwise a true-blue Spartan. Forget the dialogue. You don’t need good dialogue in a mantastic movie like 300. It’s all about the fight scenes.

300 is the Belgian chocolate of eye candy. If you don’t like Belgian chocolate, replace it with your favorite sweet. It’s that good. The majority of the film was shot in a studio using blue-screen special effects, making it harder for the actors to really get into their characters. Some critics denounced 300 for "favoring visuals over characterization." They’re totally missing the point of the movie, which is pure, unadulterated entertainment. If you want something intellectual, go watch Crash or a similar movie. 300 is hardcore action, the Rambo of action movies. Except in this case, there are 300 Rambos.

Certain Middle Eastern countries decried 300’s portrayal of ancient Persians to the point of writing a formal complaint to UNESCO, saying that the film is "an attack on the historical identity of Iran." Get your turbans out of your eyes and accept the fact that 300 is based on graphic novelist Frank Miller’s interpretation of the Battle of Plataea, and not drawn directly from the real thing. And even if you want to be historically accurate, Xerxes was an arrogant imperialist bastard who wanted to expand his empire at the expense of innocent Greeks.

300 is a must-see movie. It gets an A+ for brutal violence, hot actresses, inspiring me to start working out again, and pissing off terrorist nations. Watch 300 now. Then watch it again. Savor every drop of blood spilling gruesomely into the air. In the words of my friend Gino, 300 is simply mantastic.