Money for nothing, irony for free

During election campaigns candidates give away T-shirts, caps, and a whole bunch of stuff, but the best giveaway is still money. Who doesn’t want money for nothing? However, you must bear in mind that if you take money from a candidate, and then you vote for that candidate, the money is not free. The money becomes a bribe, a price for your vote. Don’t be cheap. No self-respecting voter in a democratic society should ever have to sell his or her vote. He should just take the money, and vote according to his conscience if he has one. Taking the money may be justified as an act of self-preservation, i.e., "If I openly refused the bribe, his henchmen would’ve beaten me up." Of course, the more savvy candidates may have ways to find out if you did or didn’t vote for them. In this case, you’re screwed.

You can also justify accepting money from candidates by saying it’s your money anyway. The depressing part is, you’re probably right.

Campaign organizations have lots of openings for those seeking temporary employment. The pay is usually low or nonexistent, but you do get free meals and transportation. If your employer is running for a national position, you even get to travel across the country. And if you make a strong impression on your candidate, and she or he actually gets elected, you have a pretty good shot at being employed on her or his staff. Think of the influence you would gain from having daily access to a government official. You could embark on a lucrative new career as an influence peddler.

But first you have to get your foot in the organization. Among the typical job openings in a political campaign office are:

• Poster posters. Your task is to cover as many walls as possible with posters of your candidate. This entails papering over the posters of the competitors, and some rock-climbing ability for those hard-to-reach flyovers.

• Media liaison officers. This requires reading all the daily newspapers and watching all the news and current affairs talk shows to find out what everyone is saying about your candidate. If you are high enough on the food chain, you may have to draft responses to the media, viz, "That’s not true!" or "Lies! Wicked, filthy lies!" If you’re telegenic you may get to defend your candidate on a TV talk show.

• Crowd wranglers or tagahakot. Easy if you have lots of friends and/or relatives. All you have to do is make sure that there’s a huge and preferably enthusiastic crowd whenever your candidate makes a speech.

• Crowd extra. Your role is to applaud wildly at everything the candidate says or does, especially when there are cameras around. Unlike most acting jobs, there is no such thing as overacting at these gigs — the more enthusiastic you are, the better. You are encouraged to shriek and shed tears of joy at the sight of your employer, I mean candidate. Your motivation is the talent fee you will receive after every rally.

• Gofers or alalays. This is the best job on an election campaign. Basically you sit around and act busy, accompany the candidate on campaign sorties, and listen in on meetings. If you’re very good, you don’t actually have to do anything. You don’t even have to follow orders as long as you can pass them on to some other sucker. The important thing is to stay close to your candidate, so that he gets used to having you around. Try to get yourself photographed with him so that everyone assumes you are an important member of his staff. This is one of the best ways to train for your own career in politics.

When you vote for a candidate, you not only exercise your democratic right, but you put that candidate under an obligation. It’s a cultural thing: it’s only one vote, but you can act as if that was the one vote that put him over the top. He is in your debt, and if he wins the election, you can go on collecting indefinitely. By wielding this culturally-sanctioned form of emotional blackmail, you can:

• Secure jobs in his office for various unqualified members of your immediate and extended families.

• Get him to be a sponsor at your wedding, which would require him to give you an expensive present. This present should be impressive enough to dissuade you from telling everyone what a cheap jerk he is.

• Ask him to be your child’s godfather. This way he will be obligated to pay for the baptism, send your child to school, shower the child with presents on birthdays and holidays, and give him a job if he turns out to be a pathetic, chronically-unemployed loser.

• Make him pay your family’s medical and funeral expenses for as long as he stays in power.

So you see, voting is not just a right and a privilege, it’s an investment in your future.

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