Ancient machines: The telephone

Iam aware that I am the oldest columnist in this section, although I have a fair claim to being the least mature. As the resident senior in this joint – senior in the sense of "one who remembers black-and-white TV" – I thought I’d write something for our readers with an interest in archaeology. Which, for Indiana Jones fans, does not always require a whip and a gun. If you do not know who Indiana Jones is, you really are young and need to read this.

I grew up in the ’70s and ’80s, the dark age before mobile phones. Instead of cell phones, we had something called a telephone – a quaint contraption consisting of a body resembling a flat iron and a handset that was brought to the mouth and the ear. This cumbersome object was connected by a long wire to a socket on the wall. On the face of this contraption was a round movable plate with numbered holes. The user would insert her finger into the hole corresponding to the digit of the telephone number she wished to call, and then rotate the plate. This is where the verb "to dial (a number)" originated, in case you’re wondering why we don’t just say "press" or "punch in." Dialing took a long time – about a full minute, even if telephone numbers only consisted of five or six digits. One had to wait for the plate to return to its original position before going on to the next digit. Ancient telephones were analogue devices with no memory storage, meaning you had to remember the telephone number yourself or write it down on a piece of paper for reference. Imagine the demands on your time and memory!

Telephones were similar to what we now call "land lines," only more massive. They were quite rare as there was only one company that provided telephone service. In the ’70s, if your house had a telephone, you often had to share it with unknown, unseen persons known as your "party line." You first noticed their existence when you picked up your telephone and heard strangers having a conversation on the other end.

If you broke into the conversation or dialed a number, they would say, "Party line, pakibaba." (Please put the phone down.) Eventually you and your party line would reach some kind of détente (another archaeological term dating back to the Cold War, a historical event which officially ended in 1989 – ask your parents what it means) regarding shared use of the telephone. Each party had to be polite and considerate. You couldn’t blather on the phone for hours, and if the other party wanted to use the line, you graciously gave way. Unfortunately this was not usually the case. As with karaoke microphones, telephones had to be surgically separated from the Pinoy caller’s hand. This led to the classic party line exchange:

Your mom: Hello, party line, puedeng makigamit ng telepono? (May I use the phone?)

The party line: Sandali lang, importante ‘to. (Wait, this is important.)

Your mom: Dalawang oras na kayong nagchichismisan, pakibaba na.

(You’ve been yakking for two hours, put the phone down.)

The party line: Sinabi nang sandali lang, eh. (I said, just a minute.)

Your mom: Hoy, kanina pa kami naghihintay. (We’ve been waiting for hours.)

The party line: Antipatika! Sino ka ba? (Unpleasant creature! Who are you?)

Your mom: At ikaw, sino ka? Bastos! Walang modo! (And who are you? You’re rude and uncouth!)

The exchange then degenerated into name-calling and insults. It was probably wise of the phone company not to let people know the identities of the people sharing their lines, as this prevented infuriated party lines from physically attacking each other.

Apart from party lines, the owner of a telephone unit also had to deal with mysterious folk who called themselves "phone pals." These phone pals were lonely, often lovelorn persons who acquired your phone number from somewhere, or dialed it at random. They would usually ring your house at odd hours and introduce themselves in this manner:

Phone pal: Hello, puedeng makipag-phone pal? (Will you be my phone pal?)

A simple "No, thank you" would normally suffice to terminate your relationship before it started. Unless the phone pal turned out to be a stalker, in which case the offer of friendship would turn into heavy breathing, dirty words, or both.

In the ’80s the telephone dial was replaced with numbered buttons, and then car phones began to appear. You can see them in the original Miami Vice TV series. The first mobile phones were as big as fax machines and you carried them on a strap on your shoulder, much like a laptop bag, but heavier. Cell phones as we know them came out in the early ’90s.

They were the size and weight of a brick. Since then they’ve shrunk considerably, and now you can get one the size of a business card.

So you see what your elders had to deal with in the dawn of civilization. They had to lift heavy machines! Memorize numbers! Dial digits! The horror! In future issues we will discuss other primitive inventions, such as telegrams, typewriters, card catalogues and vinyl records.

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