I know that sounds as vague as can be, but for the first time, I don’t mind not having all the right words. There are instances, I feel, when words can either help describe something or hinder the right description and this is one of those times when I feel words would be inadequate to describe how I’m really feeling. All I know is that, for once, the New Year has come and I feel hopeful that this year is going to be even better than the last… and that’s saying quite a lot!
2006 was a year of change and introspection for me and, for the first time, that was a good thing. I finally found the courage to let go of a lot of things I feel weren’t good for me and for my life and the strength for go for things I really wanted. I finally shed the shackles of sadness and cynicism I’ve been holding on to for years and just really allowed myself to be happy and have fun and, more than anything, that has been the key to my really enjoying my life for the first time in over 10 years!
Indeed, anyone who knows me can confirm that I have spent a large portion of the last 10 years of my life being rather cynical and jaded. I guess my previous experiences sort of led me to believe that everyone I’d ever come to care about would end up hurting me, leaving me, or worse, betraying me. It was a rather harsh theory but one that someone always seemed to prove true so I entered every relationship with a metaphorical axe over my head and would kind of sit around and wait for it to fall. In retrospect, there was no way to really be with someone and it was a huge damper on any happiness I may have found along the way. Not to mention that I never fully shared with or trusted anyone, which is another reason I may have found myself alone in the end thinking, "Yup, I knew this was going to happen…"
But for some reason, 2006 finally saw me breaking out of that pattern and – shall we say – cleansing my life of any influences and circumstances that brought me down. For once, I realized that I wanted to be happy and, heck, I deserved it so why not go for things I really want unapologetically for once? I think the most important thing of all that I realized is that you don’t have to be depressed or jaded in life to be cautious. More often, those feelings could be the reason bad things happen; what you thought was a shield against heartache and misery could just be your own preemptive strike that is making those things become your reality. And I’ve finally realized that I no longer want that happening to me.
And so, I stepped out of my comfort zone – rather painfully in some instances – and said goodbye to my old mindset and way of doing things. In some instances, it was easy and in others very hard. I was forced to make decisions others held against me but that I knew would end up contributing to my happiness down the line. I finally expressed what I really thought and how I really felt without fear of what other people would say and, basically for the first time in a long time, I finally admitted what I really wanted and decided not to settle for anything less and, dare I say it, I think I’ve finally found my little slice of paradise in places I never thought to look before.
So, as I mentioned before, as 2007 rolls in I pause for a moment to look back on the roller coaster ride that was 2006 and smile when I realize how far I have come. I love where I am now and couldn’t have chosen a better place if I tried. Everyone around me has helped me grow and expand with their love and belief in me and I couldn’t be more grateful. Again, words fail me in expressing how thankful I feel for all my blessings and how hard I plan on working my butt off to keep them. In the end, I think I celebrated my New Year’s quite differently from everyone else and instead of loud displays of fireworks or pyrotechnics I simply began 2007 with a prayer and a smile knowing in my heart that the best is yet to come!