Should I tell my son the truth?

Dear China, Mai-Mai And Tingting,

I am 27 years old and a single mom. My boyfriend left me when he found out I was pregnant. I have been living with my parents, who have been great with everything, since. My son, now seven and in Grade 1, has been asking questions and said he’s being teased by some of his classmates, most of them our neighbors. Apparently, the parents of these children have been discussing my situation in front of their children and it’s now hurting my son. Please give me an alternative to telling him the truth. I gave him the impression that his father died; I still don’t have the strength to tell him the truth. Besides, I feel he’s still too young to understand. My parents suggested that I tell him the truth and assured me they will support me all the way. Should I transfer him to another school where we don’t know anyone? Should I confront the parents of these children?

Troubled Single Mom

I would say no to both – no to transferring your son and no to confronting the parents of the children. These might help temporarily, but they are not long-term solutions. I know you said "alternative to telling the truth," but my parents always taught me that, "the truth will set you free." Your parents are right. This is the only way for you to give your son the right tools to protect himself from more teasing. Your son will, by necessity, find ways to defend himself if he knew the truth. As of now, he’s just fending them off, because he doesn’t know what to say. Telling him the truth gives him a chance to protect himself and you. Tell him the story and explain the implications to him. Make sure he knows he is not unwanted. After all, you were brave enough to push through with the pregnancy, and against all odds, especially in a society like ours, struggled to bring him up on your own. What’s more, he doesn’t only have a mother who will shield him from any harm, but two grandparents who love him dearly. Finally, I remind you not to speak ill of his father because the world is round and you don’t know what the future holds. Just speak the truth and let him sort his feelings out.

China

Is there an alternative to the truth? I don’t think so. This is not only the best way for you, but the best way for your son too because telling him the real score will settle the problem once and for all. And aren’t children nicer to talk to? They’re like sponges, listening intently on what you say, trying to understand each and every word. And are they not so pure? Because they have not been corrupted by the evils of our world, I would think your son will know that you didn’t mean this to happen and he might be more sympathetic with you now than he would be when he gets older. So what if he has no father? It’s how you strive to bring him up to be a good person is what matters. That’s what married couples intend to do anyway, and if you can do that on your own, then accolades should go to you. It’s what he eventually turns out to be becomes the real gauge. Tell him now. If he resents you, just be patient and take it all in. As the saying goes, you do the crime, you do the time. When he realizes that it isn’t your fault and that you’re focused on fulfilling both mother and father roles to the best of your ability, then he will calm down. Don’t move him to another school nor confront your neighbors. It will complicate matters.

Mai-Mai

I don’t think you should underestimate the ability of your son to understand. The fact that he’s been living with his grandparents since birth and have been without a father figure ever since would have given him a clue that he is not living a typical family life. He’s now in Grade 1, so there may have been many activities where he has seen his friends be with a mother and a father. So stop thinking he’s too young to understand, because he’s not. Transferring him to another school is unnecessary and would confuse the child. You would be teaching him the wrong values – running away from your problems. Besides, how can you be sure the teasing won’t follow him in the next school? What then if it does? Transfer him again? Confronting the parents won’t do you any good either. Confront each and every neighbor about what? The truth? You’d practically ostracize yourself and make it more difficult for your son. Sorry, but the only way is for you to come clean. After all, the truth will set you free. However, while you’re gathering strength, which I am feeling it would be for quite some time, be more affectionate towards him. Be involved in his activities. Let him feel that you’re all he needs to survive this world. Tingting

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