Is he having an affair?
February 24, 2006 | 12:00am
Dear China, Mai-Mai And Tingting,
My husband and I have been married for four years and have one daughter. We’ve had no major fights. We are able to talk calmly about any subject matter because we made a pact that our communication lines will always be open. But there’s this female officemate that’s very close to him and when I asked him about her, he just said for me not to worry because they’re not having sex. He also said he doesn’t want me to mention it again. This makes me worry. His elusiveness makes me conclude that they have a relationship short of having sex. Am I right to think this? Could it be possible they have a mental or emotional relationship? Is this infidelity?
Mrs. Short
Anything is possible. But his elusiveness may mean many things, so I don’t suggest that you jump to any conclusions yet. Since you have agreed to keep communication lines open, I think you should invoke this agreement one more time and ask why he has asked you not to mention it again. Tell him about how anxious you are especially because of his vague answers. Be open about what your gut feel tells you. You’ve been together for a while and have a daughter and you deserve the answers straight from him. Besides, I think he’s better off with talking to you than your mind wandering around, thinking of different scenarios.
China
Yes it is possible but I wouldn’t judge him just yet. You need more time to observe and find the right timing to discuss the subject again, even if he has said otherwise. You need your peace of mind and if he’s not able to give it to you, your marriage will slowly erode. I think you should remind him of this probability, without being antagonistic and threatening. Emotional infidelity seems to be widespread nowadays. The many articles in the magazines and discussions in the television demonstrate this. While there is still some debate on whether it can truly be referred to as infidelity, the fact is that people in these kinds of relationship get "close" because they have some chemistry and they will resort to keeping the liaison secret, or at least, quiet. If you’re the spouse left in the dark, these are enough reasons to worry about. But it doesn’t mean that because he’s being elusive, he’s having this kind of affair. Who knows? Maybe it’s trivial to him because there really is nothing to worry about.
Mai-Mai
The possibility is there and I would strongly advice you to talk to your husband rather than going day-by-day thinking about it. This anxiety will destroy your self-worth, lose your trust in him, make you paranoid and will basically kill your marriage. Your husband’s being abrupt is already making you crazy, so it will benefit you both if you talk. To your next question, yes, it is possible to have a relationship with another person short of having intimate relations and yes, personally, I think it is still infidelity. I just look at the bottom line – the couples in the relationship are attracted to each other, they resort to saying half-truths, if not outright lie, and most importantly, these liaisons produces the same negative effects on any marriage as the usual "affairs" do. Just be prepared when you talk to him because you might not like his answers. Remember… if you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask the question.
Tingting
Send questions to sistersact_ys@yahoo.com.
My husband and I have been married for four years and have one daughter. We’ve had no major fights. We are able to talk calmly about any subject matter because we made a pact that our communication lines will always be open. But there’s this female officemate that’s very close to him and when I asked him about her, he just said for me not to worry because they’re not having sex. He also said he doesn’t want me to mention it again. This makes me worry. His elusiveness makes me conclude that they have a relationship short of having sex. Am I right to think this? Could it be possible they have a mental or emotional relationship? Is this infidelity?
Mrs. Short
Anything is possible. But his elusiveness may mean many things, so I don’t suggest that you jump to any conclusions yet. Since you have agreed to keep communication lines open, I think you should invoke this agreement one more time and ask why he has asked you not to mention it again. Tell him about how anxious you are especially because of his vague answers. Be open about what your gut feel tells you. You’ve been together for a while and have a daughter and you deserve the answers straight from him. Besides, I think he’s better off with talking to you than your mind wandering around, thinking of different scenarios.
China
Yes it is possible but I wouldn’t judge him just yet. You need more time to observe and find the right timing to discuss the subject again, even if he has said otherwise. You need your peace of mind and if he’s not able to give it to you, your marriage will slowly erode. I think you should remind him of this probability, without being antagonistic and threatening. Emotional infidelity seems to be widespread nowadays. The many articles in the magazines and discussions in the television demonstrate this. While there is still some debate on whether it can truly be referred to as infidelity, the fact is that people in these kinds of relationship get "close" because they have some chemistry and they will resort to keeping the liaison secret, or at least, quiet. If you’re the spouse left in the dark, these are enough reasons to worry about. But it doesn’t mean that because he’s being elusive, he’s having this kind of affair. Who knows? Maybe it’s trivial to him because there really is nothing to worry about.
Mai-Mai
The possibility is there and I would strongly advice you to talk to your husband rather than going day-by-day thinking about it. This anxiety will destroy your self-worth, lose your trust in him, make you paranoid and will basically kill your marriage. Your husband’s being abrupt is already making you crazy, so it will benefit you both if you talk. To your next question, yes, it is possible to have a relationship with another person short of having intimate relations and yes, personally, I think it is still infidelity. I just look at the bottom line – the couples in the relationship are attracted to each other, they resort to saying half-truths, if not outright lie, and most importantly, these liaisons produces the same negative effects on any marriage as the usual "affairs" do. Just be prepared when you talk to him because you might not like his answers. Remember… if you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask the question.
Tingting
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