Breaking the relationship code

Every generation comes with its own social norms, codes created to make life easier. For Moses and his gang, it was the 10 commandments. For the ‘90s crew, it was Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. For others, it’s The Rules, a self-help book devoted to retro techniques for capturing Mr. Right. Instead of major religious figures, people have turned to self-help gurus like Oprah and Dr. Phil to figure out life’s greater issues. Forget morals and codes of conduct. Half the world’s population just wants to decipher the other sex – which explains Sex and the City’s huge appeal, a show that ended after six highly-rated seasons.

Week after week, women tuned in to see how the fabulously-dressed four would deal with their bizarrely-wrought escapades. One particular episode seemed to resonate with viewers all around the world. One of the characters, Miranda, the bossy single mom with a successful law career, explained to her friends over dinner how a guy hadn’t called her back after what seemed like a pretty good date. Carrie’s boyfriend at the time, Jack Berger, bluntly replied, "Maybe he’s just not that into you." Stunned silence followed by protests of "He’ll call you back" followed. Miranda, eager to hear a new perspective, believed Berger, who was the only objective straight male in the group. Carrie, surprised by her friend’s easy acceptance, asked in consternation, "Is it really that simple?"

In a show devoted to deciphering mixed messages and plumbing the emotional excesses of relationships, the one line Berger uttered had women scratching their heads wondering if things really were that simple.

Greg Behrendt believes it is. As a consultant and only straight male in the Sex and the City writing team, he would bounce off the female writers who would turn to him with stories about their dating exploits. "As a guy, you sort of think, ‘Don’t women kind of know this already?’ Because it’s just so basic. I’m not calling you because I’m just not into you. For me, the surprise was how women were so unaware of this."

In a book he wrote with Liz Tuccillo, another writer from Sex and the City, called He’s Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, he compiles a list of helpful tips for readers trying to understand why their boyfriend isn’t committing. One gem of a chapter, entitled "He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you," tells women to be strong. If a guy can’t be with you, and makes all sorts of excuses (he’s not ready, the time isn’t right, he has a life plan, etc), then he’s not worth your time.

The book takes on a light-hearted tone, influenced in part by Behrendt’s background as a stand-up comic. "It’s a comedic self-help book," he explains. "It belongs more to a genre, if it existed, of self-help from friends. It’s really trying to take the tone of ‘I know I’m not better than you or smarter than you. I simply stumbled onto this idea and here it is.’"

Invited by Ayala Land Inc., Behrendt came to Manila to share his book’s message of empowerment, albeit with a bit of a twist. The book encourages women to let men do the asking when it comes to dates. "Men, for the most part, like to pursue women," he writes. "We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do." The edict seems to come out of nowhere, a flashback from The Rules with its controversial let-the-men-do-the-talking kind of sensibility, particularly from writers of such a liberated show. "I’m not recommending women not flirt or be available," Behrendt replies. "I’m just saying women should be asked out and men should do the asking. In my experience, I loved asking women out."

"It’s insulting. It’s infuriating," he goes on in the book. "Unfortunately, it’s the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, then nine times out of 10, he’s just not that into you. I can’t say it loud enough: you, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out."

Behrendt, who’s been married for the past five years, seems to genuinely believe his schtick, and at some point, it starts to sound genuine. After years of hearing from female friends complain about their lackluster lives, after three seasons of having writers complain about men, he couldn’t help but share one simple message. "People should live lives that are enriching. And they should hang out with people who honor them."

The book is peppered with little self-help anthems like, "Don’t waste the pretty!" a cutesy little throwaway motto that makes the book more hokey than it really is. But Behrendt’s constant self-esteem boosters, little nuggets of truth that aren’t said as often as they should, tell women that they have more to look forward to with a partner who doesn’t waste their time with excuses or noncommittal issues.

"We come to the problem late in labor," he says of the book’s essential theme. "We’re like, ‘Cut to the chase and move on.’ The idea for the book is to empower yourself to know you don’t deserve to be in a shitty relationship. You’re better than that."

Coming from a show that enjoyed panning self-help books (one episode of Sex and the City had Charlotte enter the self-help section filled with crying women reading books about self-loathing), He’s Just Not Into You comes as a bit of a surprise, a little joke the writers seem to be having on readers. But Behrendt’s approach pokes fun at the genre itself. Instead of taking the subject of dating too seriously, as so many self-help books have, he simply ups the laugh ante and packages it like a little comic advice book. "We tried to make a book that wouldn’t be too shameful to have," he adds. "It’s fun. Ultimately, sometimes you do need self-help."

On the idea of mixed messages, he believes that the perspectives of the opposing sexes aren’t all that different. Relationships are simple. People only complicate things. "When you look at the whole scheme of things, I think we’re on the verge of being too enlightened about one another," he says. "We should be more enlightened about ourselves, because the best way to go into a relationship is truly loving yourself." Now, there’s something Carrie would agree with.